The who’s who of cocktail dress wearing cougars will be out in force tonight to knock back a few cocktails in honour of their queen Tina Turner.
Not only was Tina Turner a style icon but she produced exactly the sort of hits a cougar could see herself shaking her tail to on the dancefloor at the Cas on a school night.
We spoke to a saucy seductress who had cancelled her plans to flirt shamelessly with a local tradie she invited over for an unnecessary job to prepare for the night. She told The times,
“Any 60 year old, thrice divorced salacious cougar considered simply the best to be their theme song darling. In many ways Tina was my spirit animal so I’m going to unburden Crown of all their vodka tonight in honour of my queen”
Another unadulterated cougar, Claudia, booked an emergency wax appointment stating that someone was getting pounced on tonight. She told The Times,
“It’s what Tina would have wanted and it’s time Claudia emerged from her bush *winks cougarishly* I’ve already started on the mid level bubbly and it’s only 10 am, watch out!!!”
Bartenders across the city are bracing for impact by preparing additional cocktail stations and upping their small chat to toey cougars who want to feel validated by a strapping young lad behind a bar. One told The Times,
“Keeping it fun, flirty but professional with sauced up cougars isn’t as easy as you’d think. We have to hold the line even though they will no doubt be laying the innuendo on thick. We have to remember we are just prey they like to toy with. We don’t have anywhere near enough yachts to be a legitimate interest to them”
Local DJs have also taken a moment today to mentally prepare. Stacking their laptops with every song a middle aged booze hag has demanded they play in the wee hours of a trashy wedding.
Vale Tina, one of the best to ever do it.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?