WA Health to Refer Patients to Tinder for a Better Chance of Finding a Bed

WA Health has listened to the ever-present pressure to provide more beds in its hospitals and intensive care units and has come up with an elegant solution. 

An unofficial spokesperson for the Health Department told The Bell Tower Times,

“We are going to trial referring some of the less serious inpatient admissions to Tinder because frankly, they probably have a better chance of getting a bed through that app than our current shemozzle of a shitshow”

Not only will patients who are “probably putting it on a bit anyway” be asked to resort to the dating app but WA is calling on the thirsty community to do their bit too,

“Look, we aren’t asking you to perform complex surgery or the like but what we are asking is, that during your sweaty, filthy rendezvous you could help disinfect a wound or something. Maybe change a dressing while you get slobbed on”

Dan spends more time than he’d like to admit on the app and has concerns about the scheme. He told us,

“Yeah, look, injured people need lovin’ too but to be honest, there is a very high chance of infection in my bed. Nasty shit too. I mean, healthy people shouldn’t really stepping up to the casting futon. If you ran a blue light over that bad boy you’d blind everyone in a 50km radius”

Sarah is more optimistic about the scheme, however. Having recently spent 45 minutes waiting in an Ambulance she said she could’ve had her broken back on ice and enjoying some therapeutic missionary in less than 10mins.

She went on to tell us,

“I’m a bit of a starfish anyway, so if all I need to do is lay on my back doing nothing, then I may as well nail two birds with one stone. I’m also no stranger to the shallow end of pools – be it the Buccaneer one I busted my back diving into or the loser low life I find for some no strings attached mish” 

Young paramedics have already taken to TikTok to give dance routines that demonstrate basic procedures to help your next hookup relieve some pressure in the hospital system, as well as your pants. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?