There is an unlikely champion emerging out of the sickly rubble of COVID-19 society – the humble soft serve van. It’s an agile urban commando that can deliver ice cream to the safe confines of your hood. All hail the rise of the age of the ice cream van. Our new overlords.

Nevertheless, which cone you choose says a lot about you, so let’s examine the key players:

If you’re being honest with yourself you are about as exciting as an accounting textbook. You’re always home after 2 drinks, never touched a drug and have a 5 star Uber rating.

You think you’re not the single cone but you’re just lying to yourself. That thin veneer of fun is fragile and cracks easily. You’re letting your bucks party turn into a joint hens gig. You tell people you’re fine with it.

You like to think your tastes are exotic but the furthest you stray is Mexican night with your basic friends. You claim to love travel but only on Contiki. You still tell people about you wanderlust in a French dude’s van.

Grow up. There are kindergarten students with more sophisticated tastes than you. You haven’t settled down because of your crippling juvenility issues. You still take the pickles out of your cheeseburger.

You’re always the first to pat yourself on the back. Life is a podium and you think you’re always deserving of the main prize. Life has never handed you lemons but you’ll drink all the lemonade anyway. A flake is a flex and you know it.


We get it. You have a bucket bong set up in your laundry. Your lifestyle is an endless cycle of chesty coughs and lamenting stains you don’t plan to deal until it’s too late. Everyone thinks your taste in TV is weird.

Photo credits: Oz Vans Australia

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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