Monstera – you like to take credit for the natural beauty and talent of others. Yes, that monstera looks shit-hot but you really didn’t have much to do with it. It shines without your grubby attempts to bask in its glow. Pathetic.
Variegated monstera – when you hear about the “cost of living crisis” you worry that your dog will have to settle for non-aged ribeye for a while. Your collection of multi-coloured leaf-babies cost more than most people’s education.
Peace Lily – oh mami, you like to be told what to do. An absolute sucker who awaits their next command from their perpetually drooping plant. If you manage to follow the instructions you’ll be rewarded with a nice flower like a yearly wristy on your anniversary.
Chinese money plant – you think you are putting good vibes into the world but people are literally drowning in your overbearing need for validation. Go easy on that spray bottle, mate, you’re loving that poor plant to death.
Lucky bamboo – you am become death, destroyer of houseplants. So now you’ve got one that can handle your botanical incompetence. Amazingly, you still figure out a way to kill this extremely resilient plant. You’re just that shit.
Cacti – you’ve bobbed around with every turd in the Perth dating pool and have now developed an uninviting exterior to protect yourself from further scumcounters. You’ve been on more first dates to the Kwinana motorplex than your dates have paid for hot dinners.
Mother-in-law’s tongue – you enjoy being in the company of other slow growers. Neither of you is in much of a rush to reach your peak and believe your cretinous fumblings through life are endearing. Is the plant enabling your Peter Pan lifestyle? Maybe but being a 39 year old at The Lookout suits you just fine.
Aloe – you’re a pasty skinned ghoul who gets sunburnt from indirect light. That or you fell off the ranga tree and hit every branch as a baby. You keep your plant not just for decoration but for its valuable soothing sap. The WA summer isn’t your friend, simply put.
Fiddle leaf fig – the kid’s call it “main character energy” but in reality your need to elevate yourself over the other houseplanting plebs have drawn you to this absolute showpiece. Which, make no mistake, you believe is a metaphor for yourself.
Ferns – you think whacking a few ferns around the house will neutralise the general filth you live in. From Bumble dates soaked head to toe in Joop to your weekendly benders, your place is crawling with airborne nasties.
Devils ivy – favour a creeper do ya? Well, that’s how people feel when you send that 2 am “hey stranger” message to that girl you met at a work sundowner in 2019. You’re no stranger to the zoom function on Instagram and have developed amazing finger self-control when several years deep into their photos.
Hoya – you love hanging plants. Partly because you are a complete houseplant addict with no more floor space and partly because you value the extra protein you get from those little piece of shit bugs that buzz around your Jumanji-esque dwelling.
Orchids – you’re a plant serial killer that needs to listen to grisly true crime podcasts each night to satisfy your macabre desire to know about how deep the Mariana Trench of humanity can go. How can you let something so pretty die? You monster.
Weed – a true botanist. If only you could transfer your skills to a lifestyle that didn’t involve waking up at 2 pm and then playing X-Box in your boxer shorts until your UberEATS order gets delivered. It’s a tough gig but someone has to do it.
Fake – you coward. At least all the other basics have stepped up the plate and had a swing. You probably blame allergies but deep down know you just don’t have what it takes to thrive in the fast-paced world of killing houseplants.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
