Located in Perth’s premier South Eastern utopia, Thornie is a place that doesn’t know if it wants to be a roller shutter suburb or not. There’s something for everyone in Thornlie.
1. Shadow box in the car park outside Lakers Tavern
You’ve heard of the old cliche “meet me outside in the car park”. Well Lakers Tavern has one hell of a car park and it has seen its fair share of MMA-wannabes demonstrate their skills while out having a much-needed vape.
You can enjoy this Thornlie specialty during a UFC event or just on a regular Tuesday evening. Don’t feel like you need to conform to any societal rules or anything (no matter how many times the Magistrate advises you to). Done right and you’ll have all the other red shoed tough guys running like local hero Petey Bol.
2. Send it at TAFE
Thornlie TAFE has proudly turned generations of groms into semi-competent tradies. Part and parcel of the education given is to gallantly ride your P-Platermobile in and show ‘em why they call you Australian Post.
From driving over kerbs, smashing thumb-packed billies and even getting the boys to test your suspension, the car park is your canvas and sending it your paint brush. So let your genius shine and accentuate those dero brush strokes.
3. Shop like a Thornlian
Thornlie offers two very different shopping experiences. For the more traditional Thornlie experience, you must head to Thornlie Square. If your senses get overstimulated just go and find the lush green wall to stroke.
Now if you want to be all boujee like the big shot you are, head to Forest Lakes shops. Be warned, you’ll feel like you’re part of the Thornlie in-crowd and may never want to leave. Absolutely ballin’.
4. Marvel at the light bulb cul-de-sacs
Smack bang in the middle of Thornlie a town planner decided to live their best life and went rogue with the design. While most of Thornlie is fairly standard Perth suburbia, between Hume Road and Regal Dr a little bit of magic happens. Crestwood Estate – even has a private communal pool. What the!
Perhaps the lightbulb-de-sacs are a nod to one of the favourite lightbulb-related hobbies in the area. Or perhaps the vision came to them in some heavenly dream. Either way, a must to take in.
5. Take your children’s sports vicarious living to the next level
Right near the amazing lightbulb-de-sacs is a mighty sporting area that offers you plenty of opportunity to live vicariously through your kid’s achievements. With a range of sports and plenty of viewing space, it’s a pleasure to have the police called on you during a kid’s game.
To really step it up, they have one hell of a licensed area. It basically looks like a mini pub! Oh yeah, nothing like a few froffs to get those creative insults flowing at the umpire who has absolutely no idea why they agree to do it every week!
6. Learn how to swing a baseball bat, could come in handy
Speaking of sports, Thornlie is the official home to Perth’s baseball scene. Did you know we had one? Well, get down today and learn how to swing a bat like a pro.
Good bat technique is an invaluable skill in Thornlie especially if you’re going to enjoy some of the other activities on this list. Batter up!
7. Fire up your TikTok at Spencer Village
An Asian variety food court with no hordes of bogans destroying their intestines with mountains of sweet & sour pork and honey chicken? What a goddamn treat – the highlight of Thornlie, no doubt. Accordingly, it’s a great place to pretend like you know more about the cuisine than you do.
So fire up that TikTok like every other wannabe influencer and talk about how you reckon the flavours are authentic and how quirky the place is because you’re sitting on what appear to be benches flogged from a nearby park. No one will doubt your expertise on the matter.
8. Roll the dice on the Thornlie Line
The Thornlie Line is one of Perth’s most fearsome lines. It represents the unholy union between Armadale & Thornlie and has just what you’re looking for. Especially if you have a bit of a staring problem.
If you practised your shadow boxing game then you shouldn’t have any problems. No one is going to want a slice of the king of the Lakers car park. Commute in peace knowing you’re the winner of a prize no one else wants.
9. Take a lovely walk to the demilitarised zone
Did you know there’s a lovely little nature trail on the eastern border of Thornlie? If you follow the swampy path you’ll end up at the demilitarised zone between Thornlie and Maddo. Some might call it a terrifying tunnel, others a truce zone like North and South Korea.
If you follow the underpass through you’ll pop up outside Maddo Central and nothing can be done for you once you cross over. It’s a nice spot to reflect on two similar energies that should never be allowed to meet.
10. Do your bit and man the border to Gozzywood
Similarly, while in Thornlie you should do your bit to guard the Southern Border on Spencer Road to Gozzywood. Think about it like you are on the Knight’s Watch in Game of Thrones but instead of the murderous undead you just have Gozzy boys. Far scarier.
Hopefully, you are now trained at both staunching with shadow fists and handy with a bat. If you aren’t then you haven’t done Thornlie properly and maybe it’s time to piss off up Spencer St yourself, pal.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
