Woolworths backflips on Aussie merch stance after hearing Coles will have all the price-gouging fun

Earlier this week, Woolies made a purely financial decision to cease selling Australian merch due to a decrease in demand for the products. That was until they heard Coles was keen.

“Not on our watch”, is now the official stance from Woolworths now after Coles announced it would go ahead and stock Australian merch in its stores.

Woolworths simply cannot in good faith let a competitor ream the public without getting in on some of that sweet, sweet price-gouging action themselves.

A spokesperson for Woolworths told The Times,

“We have already spoken to our humble merch suppliers and managed to bully them down to pretty much selling them at cost. So we are in a wonderful position to really gouge the living shit out of anyone who still wants to buy this shoddily made, sweatshop rubbish”

We asked Woolworths whether they were concerned about the decreasing demand for the products and they told us,

“You know, we’ve found that our customers will pay anything, check out this carton of eggs we’re flogging for $14. So to compete with lower sales volume we’ll just jack those prices up and voila! They’ll just buy them because it’s slightly easier than a second stop at a $2 store”

In response to Woolworth’s statement, Coles has been forced to increase the prices of their own garbage-quality merch to compete.

A spokesperson for Coles told The Times,

“If it’s a price-war Woolies want, it’s a price-war Woolies will get. We’ll sell these stupid fkn temporary tattoos for $25 a pack if we have to. Then again Woolies will just charge 30 and we’ll have to price match. That’s our guarantee”

We spoke to an Aussie merch enthusiast who said he was really happy the controversy has woken Woolies up to their true business model. Adding,

“We all know Woolies isn’t woke. They have been making all our lives harder since the pandemic and they do it for cold, hard profit. So it’s good they have abandoned their insincere moral stance and just got back to business. The fresh food people!”

An industry insider agrees. Stating that Woolies should never forget that they are massive pieces of shit and that’s how they turn a profit.

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