Pre-game bonding – when some parents see their little champions kitted up and ready to go they feel immense pride. Not you. You know all too well that your inadequacies as an adult are directly related to your child’s successes.
To help silence the deafening requiem of your own life potential, suck back a few cheeky morning tinnies until it doesn’t hurt anymore.
When you are as sauced as your Nonna’s pantry, treat your young ones to a roaring motivational speech in the car ride there. Remember to impress on them the sheer gravity of an under 12’s amateur footy competition.
Be their cheerleader – a lot can be said about sports psychology, but naturally, you know best. Your role as your child’s personal cheerleader is to not only aggressively berate them in front of their peers for minor mistakes but to give them red hot tips.
“Put that little turd in the hospital”, “belt the priiick” and “get the fark up you’re embarrassing yourself”, are all slogans that future champions need ringing through their little ears as they attempt to enjoy a game of footy.
Dispute resolution – you are not always going to agree with the decisions made by coaches and umpires. If you arrived as boozed as previously advised, you should be able to ignore that voice in your head telling you to let it go, “it’s only a game”. Classic loser mentality.
That umpire wasn’t just making a subjective call, he was flashing the red cape of nuffyism at you and you are duty bound to charge at him like the pissed bullcunt you are.
Similarly, crash the pack at the half time huddle and give some coaching notes of your own – after all, it’s true 100% of the time that the coach has shit-for-brains and badly needs your help.
Lead by example – well, you’ve kicked camper chairs, you’ve screamed every obscenity under the sun and you’ve even told a parent that you’ll be waiting for them after the game. What more can you do? Practice what you preach of course!
Sometimes it’s not simply enough to teach your children that you can punch your way out of any situation, sometimes you need to prove it.
Does it feel good suplexing a teenager who is volunteering his time? Well, that’s Irrelevant. Who knows, maybe that decision to play on cost your son the chance to be discovered and be the next Clive Waterhouse?
Didn’t think of that, did you? Anyway, your son will get to see you accept your award as the MVP of the Magistrates Court for the 3rd season running.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
