Pilbara Coldwave – Desperate Newman Resident Forced To Put On Two Pairs Of Shorts

Pilbara residents in towns such as Newman, Tom Price & Marble Bar have been rocked by cold fronts today with the maximum in Newman only reaching 12 degrees. 

Needless to say, the red dirt battlers aren’t equipped for these kinds of arctic conditions and had to take extreme measures to deal with the weather. 

A local cobber in Newman was so desperate to stop his body from shutting down from the cold he was forced to do the unthinkable and wear both pairs of his best shorts. He told The Times,

“I don’t own any long pants apart from me work shit ya see. Pride myself on that fact. So to avoid becoming a Pilbara snowman I double banged shorts. Won’t lie moite, feels very wrong to me”

Playing the devil’s advocate we asked why he didn’t just wear his work pants. He answered swiftly, 

“Ya wouldn’t read about it, the one day of the year I actually wash me pants it goes and breaks cold records. So to answer ya question, which I don’t really appreciate the tone of sonny, they are wet on the line”

Double banging shorts weren’t the only measures residents took in the winter wonderland. With another salt of the earth resident wearing socks for the first time since he was let go from the mine site in 2010. He told The Times,

“I feel like I’m in that Alien movie and these socks are them face sucker things but on me feet. They are driving me crazy, I live in the Pilbara so I don’t have to wear socks mate”

A local miner enjoying a break between swings also struggled to cope with the arctic conditions. Cindy has locked herself in her Holden Rodeo and refuses to leave the safety of her car’s heating. 

Locals have reached out to their local constituency to demand answers on this southern weather bullshit. 

They expect a royal commission into the disgraceful maximum temperature and some kind of compensation for whatever damage exposing a Pilbara Prince or Princess to 12-degree temperatures will cause. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?