2km queue formed for opening of new cafe “Byrd” where baristas regurgitate coffee directly into your mouth

You only have to log into IG to know that the hottest trends in food are sustainability and tableside theatrics. So why not do both?

Hailed as the “mack daddy” or hipster food & beverage trends, Byrd by Kristoff (birth name Chris) has launched to a stunning response. 

As of 9 am, the queue for Byrd has stretched a whopping 2km which for perspective is like if 2 massive planes visited Perth or 1.5 new Krispy Kreme stores. 

We spoke to the mastermind behind this new coffee trend who said he would lay awake at night sobbing over the state of the planet. He told The Times,

“It’s great we got rid of single-use plastic coffee lids but do you realise the environmental footprint of cutting down trees to make the paper ones? Or to manufacture Keep Cups. I decided there had to be a different way”

So how does it all work? Well, you approach the counter and you have several baristas to choose from. Their diets and taste in music are all listed on the board so you can choose who regurgitates your coffee into your mouth. 

To pass health & safety regulations, each barista will have to pass a morning swab test that will detect any saliva or gut born bacteria. You can wave this requirement and use the filthy backpacker who just finished a tour of Broome for half priced coffee. His name is Ben and you can read more about him below.

We spoke to barista Sofia who was proving a hit with locals. She’s described as a Brazilian/Colombian blend who lives off a plant and nut diet, who leans towards Samba and Samba fusion. She told The Times,

“You’re getting an exotic regurgitation from the home of good coffee! You can really taste the Brazil nuts seeing as I had about 20 in my morning yoghurt this morning. If you would like extra strength select a milk-based coffee as my lactose intolerance will really summon the depths of my gut for you”

Have more vanilla tastes? Not to worry, Ben from England will happily serve you. He’s described as a “walking flat white” and will deliver familiar tasting notes of full English brekkie and Red Bull. He added,

“I’m a proper backpacker innit. A lot of the other baristas are into their organic, fair trade mambo jumbo but I’m just that guy at Bar 1 grinding on anything that moves. Some people like something they are more familiar with. Shout out to Fred Again”

Kristoff joked that the poor staff member who has to go on a coffee run will be returning with 4 steaming loads to the mouth to pass onto their colleagues. Which he states is all part of the fun.

To save on plates & cutlery, Kristoff is also working on a menu where the server can regurgitate the entire meal into your mouth. 

Naturally, this is a far more labour-intensive activity so meals will start at around $100 for avo on toast and $150 for the house “sando” which looks suspiciously like an overpriced ham & cheese toastie. 

Get down and join the line now.