So, you’re after a tree-change, are ya? Keen to leave the flat life behind, well…
1. Learn to drive up & down hills – if you have any chance of being accepted by hilldwellers you’ll have to learn to ascend and descend the hill with the grace of a vehicular mountain goat.
When going down stop riding the brake like it paid you by the hour and when going up be that brave bit of corn that overtakes the truckorrhoids and keep that sh*t moving.
2. Wage a campaign against the very nature you sought to move near – Sure you *say* you want a tree-change and be immersed in nature but the fact your first port of call was to clear your block and lay down more concrete than a Balcatta landscaper says otherwise (remember to then complain about the heat radiating in summer)
After all, all that beautiful nature is making you sniff like a real estate agent at Ascot race day.
3. Embrace being cut off from the world – One beauty of being in the hills is you’re blissfully unaware of any internet and phone service outages on the networks because that’s just a regular Wednesday arvo for you.
Learn to love watching a 2 hour movie over several days or just do what Gina wants and give Elon all your money for Starlink. Or you could [content loading…]
4. Endear yourself to the locals by whinging about the lack of convenience – A real hilldweller absolutely wants to hear about how annoying you find not having a gas mains after making the conscious decision to move here. So bring it up often.
They also are very keen to hear about how convenient your inner city life was at every opportunity. You’re broadening their minds with tales of regular public transport and generous trading hours. They love being reminded of it.
5. Become an all-terrain specialist – Now you’re a hilldweller you’ll get to spend your weekends exploring trails but just because you bought a pair of Solomons doesn’t mean you’re ready for a gravelly-humbling when your oafish strides send you towards graze-town.
Learning to navigate loose terrain should be one of your first priorities, on foot and in your vehicle. Or, continue being the entertainment for real locals, up to you clumsy ox.
6. Turn on your own – As a hilldweller you must now condemn the ways of the flatlands. Blame them for all your woes. It’s those heathens from Forrie that caused Zig Zags to be closed at night. It’s those High Wycombe louts coming up the hill to do burnouts to keep you up at all hours.
It’s almost certainly a flatlander that has parked like an absolute unit at the local because without clearly marked parking bays it’s just all mayhem. Stare at them while they use your pubs.
7. Mind your business – The hills have eyes and they are VERY serious about those warnings you’ll see plastered across their gates to their properties. Those signs exist for a reason and you’ll find it’s DEFCON 1 on the FAFO meter.
Sure, the dense nature of flatland living had given you a curiosity to what your neighbours were up to but don’t be tempted to satiate this hunger for snooping in the hills. In the hills you’re a trespasser not a neighbour
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