The difference between a father and a daddy is all in the attitude. You have to work it, use what your own daddy gave you. It’s time to level up your dad game.
1. Stare into the Bunnings worker’s eyes as you secure your load
There is nothing like receiving a Bunnings voucher and knowing that you’re going to strap some home & garden essentials to your roof racks within the hour. Remember though, make it sexy. Make it daddy.
To this end, look deep into the Bunnings’ worker’s eyes as you either ratchet or occy strap the living shit out of those tiki torches before flicking said straps and letting them know they ain’t going anywhere. All while never breaking your gaze. Oh yeah.
2. Debut the new servo speed dealers at the pub
In any just society, you should have got a brand spankin’ new pair of Caltex’s finest for Father’s Day. Now there’s no point letting their devastating power simply be wasted on your rose bushes, you need to debut those bad boys.
After reverse parallel parking into a spot at the pub it’s time to make your grand entrance to the beer garden. Looking more dangerous than a fart after a Balinese bender with extra beach satay sticks. Make sure to give the other dads a respectful nod to simmer things down. It’s hot in there and something will give without a little dad-management.
3. Drop the hottest dad joke of 2023 to the waitress
Now, a father would simply order his steak sandwich but a daddy would give the young waitress a dad joke that will rock the foundations of her own proclivities. At first, she was seeking your order, now she’ll be seeking arrangements.
What joke you use is up to you. You can rely on your old faithfuls or you can freestyle. Naturally, the freestyle method rates significantly higher on the daddy-scale. It lets her know she isn’t just Xmas cracker grade, she’s worthy of your most dangerous zingers.
4. Quickdraw your phone from its belt holster
This is a no-brainer. Conventional wisdom would dictate that having a leather phone holder on your belt is big anti-daddy energy. This is true unless you know how to work with what you’ve got. To that end, the quick draw will have you soaring into the daddysphere.
Wait for a phone call. Probably a telemarketer or some unregistered tradesman to get back to him on a cheeky little quote for the back shed and show everyone in the vicinity that you are truly on with that leather holder. Quick, seamless draw. Bang, bang. TAKE ME NOW.
5. Give the street the lawn mo show
After a day of eating and drinking it’s time to get some bloody hard yakka done. That’s how you were raised and frankly working on your lawn is a quasi-religious experience where you look into the eyes of God himself. However, this time, you’re telling that benevolent spirit “watch this”.
Adorned with your fresh pair of River’s cargos, your sunnies, and a hat you got on a fishing trip in 1993 you’re ready to give the entire street a lesson in how a daddy do. Let them look at your cornering, your smooth lift, your Matrix-like dodge when you flick up a little stone. That’s serious.
6. Give that Harley a rev
By this afternoon, the roads should have dried and the sun should be here to stay. This is day one stuff, daddy. You know what to do. Time to get that Harley out of the shed. Squeeze on those riding gloves and let everyone between Belmont and Freo know there is a new sheriff in town.
Park up at your favourite spot with your crew and prepare to melt every heart on the strip. When you’re done showing Perth female population what they can look at but can’t touch it’s time to go and fall asleep on a recliner of your choosing.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?