A day in the life of the work nepo baby 

8:45 am – I take a few selfies next to the Tesla I bought with my very generous remuneration package. While dad is more accurate to thank I post a rambling caption on social media attributing the success to my hard work and hustler grindset. 

9:30 am – I roll into work a full hour after everyone else. This is to allow time for a morning ice plunge as well as to assert my dominance. I run this town. 

9:30 am – I show a far more senior employee my latest post to taunt him. He’d been waiting 20 years for a car park in the building and I snapped it up last year when I started here. Taste it you old sack of loyalty ha ha.

10:30 am – I manipulate several coworkers with promises of putting a good word in with the boss (daddy). It’s a good system, they do my work, I take credit and then I tell dad they spend all day playing the pork recorder in the toilet. 

11:00 am – I decide to try out my new Gucci belt on the work experience girls. I tell them that in 3 years I’ll be running the place and they should add me on Instagram. I think one of them is 16. 

11:30 am – lunch time and guess who has the corporate AMEX in his spoiled little nepo-claws? You guessed it, I assemble the other nepotistic social parasites I call friends at a swanky Terrace restaurant.

2:30 pm – after several lines and bottles of wine I am clicking my fingers at waitresses and asking them if they’d like to roll with the mayor of the Terrace. I’m advised it would be best if I paid my bill and vacated the premises immediately. 

2:45 pm – I, admittedly, lose my cool somewhat and threaten to have everyone fired, the venue’s licence revoked, and the manager’s mother in my DMs. 

3:15 pm – unfortunately, it turns out that the owner of the venue is chummy with dad as well. I received a phone call and dad confirmed that I am a constant disappointment and was given this job so I didn’t turn out like the nose beered waste of oxygen my brother is. 

3:45 pm – I finally come back to the office and fill the void where my father’s love should’ve gone by booking another trip to Europe. 

4:00 pm – I can’t believe I’m still at work. All that unpleasantness at the restaurant distracted me from my usual 3:30 home time. I decide it’s good for morale for the plebs to see me burn the midnight oil.

4:10 pm – I write a lengthy Linkedin post about my own leadership philosophy. I don’t even think about the words I just rack up a few more lines and let the blow do the talking. I attach the photo of my posing next to my Tesla with my Gucci belt showing to back up my claims of success. 

4:30 pm – time to use that AMEX card again but before I go and disgrace myself I flick an email to father telling him who I consider disposable. Your kid broke his arm and you had to duck off 40 minutes early did you Susan? Tell it to the Centrelink queue.