Australia Post is introducing a state-of-the-art AI model that can determine the exact moment you’ve ducked out back so the driver can slip in, pretend to knock and leave a “sorry we missed you” card.
The controversial but highly efficient AI technology draws information from a wide range of sources and over time learns everything about you. A source close to the roll out told The Times,
“The AI model learns from a variety of factors, from your home’s energy consumption, dog’s barking pitch and routine and all the way down to your toilet doom scrolling”
This sounds a bit invasive but we asked him to continue,
“Healthy people are the easiest, nice consistent toilet patterns. So, if you’re regular and keep up your water intake you are probably never going to get a parcel handed to you. If you’re a slob the AI has to work a bit harder but we’ll crack your code, don’t worry”
So far, the technology has helped Australia Post fuck over 33% more people who had decided to camp near their front door in a desperate bid to be united with their parcel.
We spoke to one keen online shopper who said they’d attempted to beat the AI by sitting in a chair next to their front door with a bucket to do their business. They told us,
“I got up once because I heard a crash in my backyard, that’s when the bastard got me! This AI is pretty advanced! I was shocked”
Damn, that’s scary.
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