REPORT: You Definitely Shouldn’t Be Taking Tax Advice From That Sloppy Bloke In The Wet Mess

Every year, Tex likes to fulfil the role of Father Goose and take some young blokes under his financial wing as he tells them how to get one over those ATO dogs. Making sure to remind them that they can’t do “fark all” about it.

However, after several Jacky D’s it became apparent to his peers that Tex was not the authority on taxation advice he was presenting himself as. 

Not only did he misunderstand the basics of declarations but he also admitted to being audited several times over the span of his life. By several, he means 13. 

Young FIFO bloke Tyeson said he was bailed up by Tex at the wet mess and asked whether he wanted to get a “fark off tax return” this year. Naturally, he said yes. 

Witnesses say that Tyson joined a few others around Tex as he explained how he declares everything from fuel for his jet ski to “destressing” sessions at the rippers on a Fridee night.

Tyson was initially full of hope but soon lost confidence after Tex told him capital gains tax doesn’t exist. He told The Times,

“I’d made a few thousand on crypto before the crash and I asked him if I had to declare it. He said CGT was a myth and there wasn’t a damn thing those pencil dick suits could do about it. I don’t reckon that’s right ay”

Another young bloke, Remmy, told The Times that Tex told him to claim his flights & accommodation in Bali this year. Remmy told The Times,

“He told me that if they asked about it I’d just say mining conference and there was no way they’d investigate further than that. Said he goes on holiday courtesy of the ATO every year. Something seemed off about this advice ay”

A more clued-in bloke told The Times his cousin was an accountant and told him that taking any of Tex’s advice was like buying a ticket on the express train to audit town. Adding,

“This guys an idiot. Told me to photocopy a bunch of receipts from tools my mate bought and just submit those. Kept ensuring me that there was no way it’d come back to bite me. I think it could”

Anyone who has spoken to Tex in the past financial year is urged to make an appointment with an accountant and avoid almost certain consequences this tax time. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?