A lot of doctors have “opinions” so naturally, an equal and opposite force is present – essential oil flogging scammers. These side-hustling sirens have been thrust out of the sea of administrative employment and will seek to lure you in with the sweet song of faux-science and passive income. Here’s how to excel.
Forget everything you know about science – a true disciple of the church of essential oils knows their little bottles can do literally anything they make up in a stylised Instagram post.
Have a sore throat? Try Karen’s exclusive blend of lemon, copaiba and wild orange. Suffering from stress? Fix it with a blend of rose, lavender & bergamot. Ran afoul of Putin and found yourself pricked by the end of an umbrella? Hit it with the big guns – tea tree, clove bud and rosemary.
Network with the best – how does a mere mortal keep on top of all these miracle blends of modern-day alchemists? Well, don’t stress, because you’ll have an unemployed thundercunt breathing down your neck from the minute you accept her unsolicited Facebook message to talk about an exciting business opportunity.
Become the plug – you can either buy directly from your local Karen or you can join her team. If you decide on the latter you too will need to set up an Instagram page spruiking the absurd health benefits of your chosen product. Hey, you didn’t choose the scam life, the scam life chose you.
Know when to twist the screws – naturally, every cure for an ailment needs at least 3 or more of these expensive little bottles of sniff sniff. So in lies the genius of the product. Making a sale is pretty easy when you have your elderly mother’s friends living in fear that they’ll die if they don’t rub jasmine on their chakra points every day and invest in a diffuser (or whatever other crap you have lying around unsold).
Up the ante – make sure you get your marks to use those bottles up fast. There’s always more – your subscription to Light & Easy meals depends on it. To ensure the suckers continue to drain your oily teat, you should slowly start convincing them that essential oils can be a total replacement for actual medical care.
You don’t want to go full Pete Evans right away. To really convince someone that inhaling scented oil is more effective than antibiotics you’ll have to slowly ween them off the big pharma lie machine. This is a little process they like to call “brainwashi…” wait, no, “awakening”. Ignore that first bit.
In the upcoming months, there is no doubt you will be left wondering, which fuckwit left the gate open at the scam farm? Because the Karens have bolted.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?