Chris Martin was shocked to discover Perth’s Crown Towers weren’t quite as fancy as some other major hotels he’s stayed at across the world. Accordingly, he sent a member of his entourage on an emergency mission today to buy some camouflage.
Among the band’s requests were: white Versace sunnies (the won those roided up arseholes wear), thick gold plated chains, red shoes, vapes, and temporary tattoos saying things like “Only God Can Judge Me”.
We spoke to a witness in the Perth CBD who saw the shopping expedition go down. He told The Times,
“These poor Brits were running all over the shop asking everyone where the turbo store was. I told one that it wasn’t that easy and the modern Crown Towers bikie-adjacent type goes to great lengths to curate their look”
Another concerned onlooker said that members of the entourage didn’t quite understand the brief. This was evident when asking for the latest in fashionable white Versaces. They added,
“I could tell they were shopping for Coldplay, I knew they would need some help fitting into Crown Towers, I told them that they were misguided and should go and spend 15 minutes outside the Perth Magistrates Court to get a feel for the aesthetic”
That they did. After a lengthy session of people watching, the entourage was inspired and was collecting all the necessary items to pull off the look.
Back at the hotel, Chris Martin thought he’d be safe ducking down for a quick swim but stood out like a sore thumb when he didn’t take an anniversary cocktail selfie with his “queen”. He also failed to try and intimidate a member of the pool staff over a rule.
Luckily, members of the entourage arrived back at the hotel room recently and the band is now able to walk amongst the Crown Towers clientele with ease.
We understand that Chris Martin has excelled at pulling off the ruse and was spotted holding court while he talked about his muay thai’ng his way into a Northbridge nightclub when the weak dog questioned his affiliations.
Nice one Chris.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
