Drive Through Rub & Tugs Introduced To Slow Spread of Omicron

In response to the growing number of cases in Perth, drive-through rub and tuggeries have been set up to provide that sought-after relief in a more COVID-safe setting. 

Clients and masseuses will be required to wear a mask while the “service” is performed through the driver’s side window with the air-con flowing. Moist, alcohol towelettes will be supplied to help with any mess associated.

A spokesperson for the WA Government applauded the initiative telling The Bell Tower Times,

“Look, many stressed citizens still look to the service of masseuses to grease their ham before sliding back into the pan of their regular home lives. What we don’t want, is people not checking in and getting their man udder milked in a stuffy room with no masks or ventilation”

Furthermore, the new drive-throughs have agreed to operate under an obscure trading name to encourage thrill seekers to check-in. 

A spokesperson for a drive throughs told us,

“We’re trading under Bath Towels & Cleaning Supplies. This way, when a valued customer gets sick, they can more confidently lie to their significant other that they were out looking for something useful to buy rather than exploding like Mount Jizzsuvius on some massage table”

Jeff, 38, is a FIFO worker that spends upwards of $1500 getting his meat-Kalamunda wet & wild every time he’s back from site. He told us,

“Yeah, nah, I’m happy to help out in these unprecedented times. A massage through a car window will be kinda shit but a wristy is a wristy, mate. Not the first time I’ve churned the white butter in my car either ha ha ha”

In fact, Jeff was fired from one of the best jobs he’s ever had after being caught tapping the bloke-well in the cab of a work truck. He alleged at the time he thought his old feller had some “deep vein shit” and was reviving it. 

Locations of the drive through rub & tug palaces will be made available soon. Police warning motorists to be extra alert. A top cop telling us,

“Look, don’t be surprised if that Hilux in front of you suddenly and sharply pulls into one of these pop up drive throughs. Sometimes the temptation can get too much and you never know how toey a driver will be after riding up the arse of a P Plater for several kilometres”.

Should you not wish to comply with the mask & seated requirements, you are welcome to play hot cross buns on your pork recorder at home. 

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