12 Elite Ways To Ruin Your Easter Long Weekend

Find love in the Thursday arvo Uncle Dan’s Stampede – Good Friday Eve is a special time when bottlo staff gets to feel like they are Spartan warriors in a reenactment of 300. So join the stampede and maybe you’ll lock eyes with a fellow last-minute booze-hoarding shitbag that’ll become your rock. 

Spend it cleaning an AirBNB you’ll pay a cleaning cost for anyway – there’s no excuse quite like a long weekend to get together with some friends for an AirBNB party. Enjoy about 10 hours of partying and the remaining time cleaning! Make sure to scrub that grout! Reflect on how enjoyable it is to spend so much money to clean someone’s soulless shitty purpose-built short-stay apartment. 

Try out for the West Coast Eagles – it’s no secret the boys could use a hand. So take every opportunity this weekend to shine with the footy. Whether you are playing club footy or king of the pack down at the park, Eagles scouts will be everywhere looking for young blokes free of catastrophic injury. 

Give the gift of demerit points to an elderly relative – double demezzas is a special time in every hoons life. It’s the chance to reconnect with grandma as you gaslight her into taking demerit points for you because you couldn’t resist the call of the dero. How touching. 

Make a killing on booze this Good Friday – in the turbulent sea of ill-prepared alcoholics, you shine like a lighthouse of opportunistic price gouging. Load up on some extra piss today and wait for the inevitable mouth-breathing dugongs to wash up on the shore of the Perth Beer Economy and offer their firstborn for a carton of that sweet, sweet Emu Export (Mr I Forgot Booze on Good Friday).

Complain how busy it is Down South with no awareness you are contributing to that clusterfuck – too much money? Total lack of awareness? Sounds like you’re planning on taking that new 300 series douth! Be sure to regale every local with how “ridiculous” Margs is getting while very much being part of that problem. They’ll love it. 

Line up for fish & chips to satisfy your nagging catholic guilt – sure, you wouldn’t normally line up for 2 hours to get a seat at Kailis Fish & Chips, but this isn’t like other days. It’s Good Friday, and for who knows what reason you are choosing to honour a tradition of a religion you don’t really observe. Jokes on Jesus though, you love lining up, any excuse will do!

Tear the house down with a ham sandwich zinger – remember that time you posted an atheist meme and it literally blew the undies off every single female in a 5km vicinity? Well, wait until you post a photo of your half gnawed, packet D’orsogna ham sandwich – you’re a free thinker, no religion tells YOU what to do, man.

Lose yourself in the abyss of gluttony – for some, the definition of a good time is a 4 day gluttony fest where stuff your gullet like a French goose farmer. Chocolate, cobs, roasts, you name it. Eat until you feel like suing the Government for $300B. 

Overdo it partying – if eating isn’t your thing you can always stuff your party snout in other ways. By the Sunday you should be feeling like the protagonist in a Government PSA against the pitfalls of living life to the max. Inevitably, you’ll return to work on Tuesday feeling like an over-microwaved bowl of slopghetti craponara. Don’t be too hard on yourself, 4 days can seem like a lifetime when you don’t really think things through.

Ensure your house is egg-hunt safe – look it’s not a crime to indulge in some substances or get a bit weird in the bedroom during these crazy, boring times. However, if you are planning to treat your kids to an egg hunt make sure they don’t find daddy’s little pegging kit.

Bin Day Roulette – this is Christmas all over again. Join the rest of your neighbours as you collectively lose your shit at the council’s inability to honour your sacred bin day. Didn’t Jesus die for our bins? While you’re waiting for order to be restored, have a game plan for those prawn shells – lest you stink up your street like John West’s reject pile… again.

Documenting the Human Zoo is hungry work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle an Easter Egg, ay?