Daryl wakes up happier than a Boost Juice Employee with half a gram MD shelved up their sunshine-hole.
It’s Good Friday, so Daryl plans to get as hammered as the good Lords’ palms at a Roman S&M party – the true meaning of Easter.
Daryl starts cooking as much bacon as possible as it’s rare that he can say “fuck you” to the god-boys and the Islams on the same day. He’s wearing his favourite “Infidel” shirt, and the sun is shining. Could life get any sweeter?
It sure could, he could crack a coldie at 9am. He swoons to his beer fridge, opens the door and is hit by a bombshell: he fucking forgot to buy booze yesterday.
He calms himself, “it’s OK Dieneisha ill pop down to the Thirsty Camel at 10 when they open”. All is gravy on his roast of his optimism. Except, it’s not all gravy, it’s not even fucking Gravox. The Thirsty Camel isn’t giving up any of that sweet hump liquor – bottlos are closed today. Aw shit.
He whips out his phone and fires off a message to the Perth Beer Economy, and every buy & sell page in Perth
“I NEED alcohole ASAP!!!! nething dnt care will pay 50 fur a botel or 60 for a cartoon !!! help a bloke out me bludddy two hole forget to bye piss,. lol…”
All he gets is private messages from heartless opportunists trying to fleece him of money he doesn’t have. Although one message catches his eye,
“oi, was ment to prepose to the misso today but spent the coin on a new TV, will trade ya 3 Beam Devil’s Cut cans, a ¾ goon sack, ½ pak of ciggies and a 5 pack of carltno dry for a ring?? Midland pikup only.”
He eyes his misso’s ring off like a gay Gollum during the bendy-crescendo of a male strip show. “Look, woman, seeing as you forgot to buy booze yesterdee I’ve gotta swap your engagement ring for a bunch of shit”.
She is outraged, “you’re cooked, you forgot because you were passed out drunk yesterday, plus you said I had to keep the ring my ex got me cos you were strapped for cash when you asked me to be your one and only two hole”.
Daryl goes nuclear, “look, give me the roinnnng, or we’re not going to Bali next month, I’ll give yas ticket to Davo”. Just like a United Airlines passenger, resistance is futile.
She hands over the ring. He comforts her, “I’ll get a Cashies loan and get ya some shit next week orrright slut? Fucken it’s all drama with you”.
Like Cunto Baggins, Daryl now has his precious and begins the perilous journey Midlandor. Upon arrival, he is met with a dwelling that would make Amy Winehouse’s final blood test look clean.
“Offers changed, I drank one of the Beams, you can whip a bucket though and have this bumper sticker that says dirt n soot get the moot”. Fucking deal!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?