For some travel broadens the mind, for others it broadens the gap between Global-Australian relations.
The Solo Traveller – someone call a plumber, the solo traveller won’t stop spewing shit again. Having no one to hold him to account, the solo traveller spins a web of lies about how much of a sick kent he is back home.
Alas, the only sickness is the unpleasantness you feel from being exposed to his verbal e-coli. You can find this funnel-web-liar in backpacker bars waiting to sink his fraudulent fangs into you and spin yarns about roots, drugs or being a DJ or some thing.
The Contiki Tour rookie- oh boy, let’s just say this kid knows his way around a UWA social club function. He has graduated from tavology 101 and is asking all of Europe if it’s beer o’clock yet.
He usually travels in portfolios of lads who all need a tour company to plan every little detail of their holiday. Nevertheless, when he returns home, he will act like Christopher Cuntlumbus and regale you all with his heroic travels.
The Drunken Lout – any Australian who has travelled knows the sinking feeling of seeing a pissed up yobbo in a West Coast singlet storm into a backpackers hostel. This walking sack of jingoism can’t go 5 minutes without breaking into an Aussie, Aussie, Aussie chant or vomiting on something that Europe holds sacred and dear.
You can only watch on as you realise that it’s louts like him that get all of us tarred with the same brush of shame. He is a big fan of Oktoberfest and Sail Croatia.
The British tourist – Australians should thank the British for supplying an equally obnoxious tourist in far larger quantities. It takes the heat off us in most situations, especially the Greek or Spanish islands.
No stranger to trampling over culture to get what they want, the British tourist will display staggering levels of audacity as they deal with the locals who they see as conduits to them getting as trollied as humanly possible. Oh and they chant. Any opportunity they get. They chant.
The snorer – ah yes, dorms are a rite of passage for any traveller through Europe. Accomodation can be expensive so you’ll find yourself going for the dorm option when funds are tight. Enter – the snoring sack of shit.
How can one land walrus cause so much devestation with their throaty bellows that sound like a gorilla deep throating a chainsaw? You’ll have to book a dorm to find out.
The Influencer – everyone takes a few photos on holiday. That’s normal. What’s not normal is pretending the $10k gift from one of your daddies (biological or otherwise) is a modelling tour. Typically, this blossoming flower of narcissism spends so little time absorbing her surroundings that she is required to consult Wikipedia to add facts to her Bikini selfies,
“oh, Santorini, you may have been devastated by a volcanic eruption in the 16th century BC, but you are beautiful to me hehe #blessed #shewhowandersisnotlost #wanderlust #lookatmynorks”
The digital nomad – similar to the influencer the digital nomad is an expert on not paying their way. From raiding the communal fridge at hostels to lining up at local welfare services for a feed, the digital nomad has no shame.
Enjoy their lengthy rants about how they are travelling on a budget and how much they have saved being a total parasite.
The Culture Wanker – taking in a daily dose of culture overseas is a great way to add balance to the gut health of the soul. However, like all good things, some people just have to take it too far. You will find the culture wanker lurking around the same landmarks every other prick goes and sees but acting like she is having a much more profound experience.
All because she is wearing a beret, has learned 2 French phrases and told people she cried when Notre Dame burned down. Avoid her if you don’t want to end up on her travel blog as someone she deems an inferior traveller to her.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?