Home Hot Takes Reckons EXCLUSIVE: Preparing to Win Tonight’s $150 Million Powerball Draw 

EXCLUSIVE: Preparing to Win Tonight’s $150 Million Powerball Draw 

Get superstitious

What’s the difference between you and the majority of lotto entrants? Those losers didn’t spend an hour and a half lining up at the Belmont Forum because they believe the lottery kiosk is “lucky”. A real Powerball winner clutches to every desperate omen they can. Remember when that bird shat on you yesterday? That’s the universe’s way of telling you that you’re about to be a baller. 

Disregard mathematics 

Ignore every hater who tells you that you have a better chance of seeing a healthy suntan in Butler than you do winning the Powerball. They still clearly believe in so-called “probability”, in fact, the odds of winning division one are about 1 in 134 million. Which would be true for standard shit eaters but you lined up for the kiosk remember? Thus the laws of mathematics don’t apply to you. You got this. 

Workplace banter 

If you’re being honest your small chat repertoire at work has become stale and predictable. People sigh when they walk into the kitchenette and see you. Well, not today. Today you get to make the same joke to every person you work with, “if you don’t see me tommorrow you know why!” Make sure you bottle up all the courtesy giggles you’ve farmed. It could be a while between wickets. 

Torture yourself with your dreams 

This is your lucky day. You are as confident as a Sportsbet customer forced to feed the kids baked beans again. So why not obsessively fixate on all the ways you are going to spend your new fortune; you’ll be blowing cash like Scrooge McDuck in a currency glory hole. Disregard the job currently paying you a living wage and research holidays, cars and mansions. Dream big now because reality won’t hurt you until later. 

Type up your resignation 

How can the Lotto gods truly bless you unless you fully commit to your delusion? To appease the powers that be and generate good juju you should type up the resignation letter of your dreams. Really give it to them. Of course, try to be diplomatic because even if you do win you’ll probably be back with your tail between your legs when you inevitably join the pile of people who have unaccountably made their lives exponentially worse after winning Lotto. 

So maybe don’t burn that bridge just yet?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

$