Fitness Community Urged to Start Training on Seltzers Now to be Piss-Fit for X-Mas Party

A local BodyFit class is looking to avoid the mistakes of yesteryear and implement some rigorous training to ensure every member has a base level of piss-fitness ahead of this year’s X-Mas party. 

Last year, more than a couple of members fell into the classic trap of smashing vodka & soda-based drinks after a year of abstaining from alcohol. This resulted in near-instant leglessness and culminated in a bile redecoration of the venue’s bathroom. 

Head trainer, Kira told The Times,

“As you know, we strive for excellence, we’re up at 5 am if you haven’t noticed our check-ins? Anyway, last year was a disgrace, lots of our members just weren’t up for the physical challenge of sinking piss all day after barely touching a drop all year. So I’ve come up with a few workouts to help build that core drinking stamina”

Oh yes, we’ve noticed the check-ins. We’ve all noticed the check-ins, Kira. She continued,

“To simulate a X-Mas party we have this new version of the abacus where you have to take a big sip of seltzer and grind on your workout buddy between stations and finish with a nasally rendition of Mariah Carey’s smash hit, all I want for Christmas”

We spoke to Adam who admits that this years X-Mas party is as much about redemption as it is about fun,

“Look, I wasn’t ready last year. I hadn’t even put a single grain of sugar into this well oil rigged and honestly, I didn’t really know how to drink. I just kept skolling vodka, lime & sodas until I made an ultimatum for Jess to leave her husband and come live with me in Dianella”

Yikes. We asked him if there was anything else, he told us,

Well apparently I also ran around the bar with my shirt pulled up pointing at my rock-hard abs – calling them the bigger picture. I say apparently because I don’t remember. I do remember waking up in another mess of my own creation. This time in my briefs”

Piss-fitness classes start at 5:30 am sharp this week and will run until the evening of the X-Mas party in late December. With a bit of luck, they’ll get through their party unsoiled and reputations intact. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?