So, You’ve Forgotten how to Google it?

In the Facebook kingdom, the seemingly innocent act of asking your peers for information has been invaded by two separate yet equally fucked species: the query-master and the recommendation enthusiast.

First cab off the rank, is the query master. A contact that is so lazy, they make a road worker with narcolepsy look dynamic. This cretin loves to ask FB groups questions to save themselves the daunting task of a quick Google.

Typically, the query-master will be after elusive tidbits of information like opening hours, dress codes or whether a business stocks a certain product. Unfortunately, Indiana Jones isn’t available for this grand quest for enlightenment, so it’s over to you, their reluctant FB associates.

Now, to put this into perspective, this lazy sack of inertia who would rather sit on their vacuous hole than make a quick phone call is acting like their time is more important than yours. It’s best to give these queries no oxygen, the poster has already stolen enough.

Next, we have the recommendation enthusiast. This species is far more insidious than the query-master because their seemingly genuine requests for information carry a sinister motive: to show the entire Facebook ward just how sikkk they are.

A classic situation is recommendations for an international holiday. The poster will throw out the exotic location they are heading to and then ask for good spots to check out. Which would all be fine, if the poster actually gave a flying fuck what anyone else suggested.

More often than not, considered responses from friends are met with a single “like” and the information is pushed aside to make room for the poster to sun themselves on the digital beach of attention seeking.

When the recommendation enthusiast can’t afford a holiday, they will use the service instead to remind everyone of their interests, “can anyone recommend a good F45 gym North of the River?”, “Can anyone recommend a good organic yeast extract to use in New England style double IPA?” Why not just ask people who are in the know? You know fucking why.

Where once the pursuit of knowledge was the domain of a dedicated hunter, it is now ruled by the obnoxious fisherman throwing out their trawling nets with little regard for what they catch.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?