They say you only truly enjoyed your Adidas snap pants for two days – the day you stole them and the day they protected your legs from a minor meth lab explosion.
Sadly, to find a pair of original 90s/00s snap pants, you’d probably have to examine the wardrobe of a recently released criminal who finished a 25-year stretch.
Of course, it wasn’t always like this. Like all of nature’s cruellest mistakes, Adidas had intended its unique brand of snap-on, snap-off pant to assist humanity.
Presumably, the idea was a tracksuit pant that would allow athletes to remove them without having to take off their shoes when training. So they took inspiration from a local strip show and added a bunch of buttons down the seam of each leg.
What they created, however, was an irresistible temptation for pranksters to try and rip them off at every possibility. Anyone brave enough to wear their snaps to footy training would probably be spending most of the warm-up re-doing the buttons.
Sure, you were the butt of the joke but if you managed to work up a decent sweat then you could have your revenge. Anyone ripping them off would cop a powerful, sudden musk that your sweaty, hairy legs have accumulated after a few laps. A pathetic victory but a victory all the same.
It was probably at this stage, the pants themselves became sentient and formed a symbiotic relationship with deros. No one was going to try and rip them off the legs of a bloke who kept a trolley pole on his person at all times.
Alas, they also struggled to fulfil the needs of their new masters. Sure they looked staunch and a security guard would follow you around Sanity for 10minutes if he spotted you in a pair but they let their owner down in performance.
Running from authority with baggy, snag-happy pants was no picnic. Any good ruffian must be fleet of foot and able to jump fences in a single bound. So over time, snap pants slowly faded into obscurity.
This is until Kim Kardashian wanted to know what it was like to be born in Armadale and in 2016 sported a pair for the gram. This was a huge hit amongst people who are inspired by uninspirational fuckwits.
Seeing snap pants being sported by influencers and hype beasts just didn’t feel right. In many ways, Kardashian revived sales but also landed a critical deathblow to the reputation of the iconic pant.
Well done Kim, you achieved what even junkies couldn’t. You ruined snap pants.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?