IN FOCUS: R.M. Williams Boots

R.M. Williams had a dream. To provide rugged, high-quality footwear to genetic diversity dodgers in our rural areas.

However, over time they became the go-to brand for inner-city fancy men who have never whispered to a horse, never rotated a crop and the only drought they have experienced is of the personality induced sexual variety. 

Why? Well, when it comes down to it both groups share a few similarities. Both have asset-rich parents and both went to private schools and both have pissed themselves in the carpark of the OBH – the only difference being whether that was in a friends BMW or the back of some heinous ute. 

R.M. wearers take after their brand’s logo and travel in R.M. herds – which consists of young men all adorned in pretty much the exact same rich kent outfit. It’s important to present a united front against the perils of outer suburban fashion. 

However, don’t go calling these carbon-copycunts unoriginal because they express their individuality through their choice of corporate “happy sock”.

In many ways, they hope the bright colours concealed under their chinos will replace the love their mother never gave them in their formative years.

Who needs maternal love when you have a juicy stock portfolio to discuss loudly in public though. Whether it be in a corporate box at a Wallabies game or at a table in a Western suburb’s bar, you can expect to be serenaded with the pump & dump ditty of daddy’s little investor. You should listen to him, after all, he has done ⅓ of a Notre Dame commerce degree minoring in finance. 

Now, wearing R.M. does come with certain responsibilities. Mainly, for some reason, it’s essential to mention your footwear around new people and point out while they cost a lot they are worth the investment as they’ll last your entire life. 

Naturally, this display of faux-humility is only ever intended so you can field the follow-up question of how much they cost. Giving this answer is comparable to smack to an R.M. wearer. 

Once every single person in Perth has seen your boots then it’s time to move to Sydney with the rest of your kind. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?