For over 20 years of married life, Brett’s antique mid 90’s Midori Illusion shaker lived happily in the back of the second row of the couple’s kitchen cupboard. It was an artifact worth more to Brett than his wife could ever know.
So one could only imagine the agonising scenes when Brett’s wife, Kelly, gave him a “bag of shit” to run down to the local Op Shop. It was an eclectic bag of kid’s books, cutlery, DVDs and most alarmingly – the shaker. We spoke to Brett who said his life was in pieces, adding,
“We got into an argument and said she hadn’t seen me use it in about two decades. I told her would you eat dinner off the Mona Lisa? Would you drink from the Holy Grail? I’m not Cuntiana Jones”
It was undeniably a pressure test for the relationship which had stagnated over the years. Kelly told The Times that she didn’t understand what the big deal was, adding,
“It’s so ugly and I’m pretty sure he’s never washed it. You could clone a 90’s Scabs Lookout dancefloor pest from the DNA contained within. I had a chance to get rid of it but I think Brett has a spidey sense about it”
Brett was in talks with several prominent lawyers to see if this could be grounds for a full annulment. To wash away any evidence of this unholy union. Claiming it’s like finding out you were married to a female Richard Kuklinski. Adding,
“That shaker is all I’ve got, man. Reminds me of when I was young and beautiful. Reminds me that I could vomit 5 times in one night and still keep going. Reminds me when reflective surfaces didn’t follow me around and haunt me with revelations of my aging body”
We hope the couple can work through their issues but clearly she isn’t the one for a Midori Illusion shaker man.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?