6 Hot Tips For Transitioning Into A Life In The Western Suburbs 

So, you slipped through the net did ya? Become an unflushable turd in the punchbowl of Golden Triangle elitism? Congratulations on levelling up but for the uninitiated here are some key tips to fitting in. 

The Western Suburbs jiggle – from around late October to April, the Western Suburbs are alive with the sound of boat keys jiggling. Extra points if you can clink the key against your family ring while bragging about attractive women find you this time of year.

Now if you can’t afford your own watercraft then prepare to become a member of the Triangle’s boatless community and get used to being looked at like you’ve got your cap out on the street begging. To the GT, you’re no different. 

Take pride in your baffling gaps in knowledge – what’s a Coles? Tonkin Highway? There are suburbs to the East? Not only should you be blissfully obtuse to the grind of the everyday man & woman but you should be absolutely chuffed with yourself that you are. 

You see, Golden Triangle residents have different consumer, infrastructure and entertainment needs to the rest of us. Why burden their grey matter with knowledge of what happens in poorcuntopia? How ghastly. 

Sort your footwear out – you’re in the big leagues now, pal. Maybe those Sketchers could get the job done in whatever shithole suburban squalor you crawled out of but you’ll have the police called on you if you rock those in the Western Burbs.

You have 4 options: R.M Williams, Birkenstock (preferably white, vegan faux-leather), high end designer heels and the latest in ASIC runwear that you’ll use to pound the pavement on your next brunch marathon. 

Knowing the key stats of every Golden Triangle private school – don’t even think about trying to socialise in the Western Suburbs if you can’t name every key indicator at every GT private school. Yearly fees, ATAR results, which parent is banging which parent, etc. 

Of course, even breaching this subject is dangerous if you didn’t attend a western burbs PSA school yourself. You could lie but these blue-blooded-hounds will sniff your bullshit out a mile away. Best to say you grew up over east – or risk telling them you went to Churchlands. Your call. More on PSA schools HERE.

Believe every little change to your suburb is worthy of a State Government inquest – fancy yourself laid back? Well knock that shit off right now. To be a true Golden Triangle member you’re going to have to adopt a no-chill approach to change. Remember you didn’t just buy land, you bought the entire fkn suburb.

Roadworks along your route? A proposed playground modification? A tradesman consistently parking near your verge on a job? These are all issues that McGowan should be addressing PERSONALLY. Learn to write a truly harrowing letter to local authorities. It’s your duty. More on elite NIMBYISM HERE.

Become very picky at which burbs the Golden Triangle consists of – this is important. There are rivalries all over the Western Burbs. Some choose not to consider Nedlands north of Stirling Highway as part of it. Others will boldly try to claim Floreat or fkn Subi makes the cut. 

It’s less about who is right or wrong and more about that iconic Western Burbs social exclusion that forms the foundation of their attitude toward the world. To truly be a GT resident you’ll have to take a purist view – Cott, Claremont and Peppy Grove only. Anyone outside is just glorified trash. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?