It has been 10 days since Celeste’s $10k emergency flight home from Thailand and she doesn’t feel she is exaggerating when she says she is very much the face of the COVID-19 tragedy.

Sure, some might argue that going on an overseas holiday on the cusp of the apocalypse was an arrogant display of selfish fuckery but Celeste takes a contrary view. People with so-called “jobs” simply don’t understand the hold the pinchers of Krabi Island have over an influencer during times of wanderlust drought.

Some also might say that you deserve to cough up $10k for taking such a reckless holiday. Again, Celeste takes a contrary view. So self-assured that she is the victim she managed to manipulate her parents into accessing some superannuation to get her back. All it took was a few well-choreographed mental breakdowns over Facetime.

She wasn’t done there though. While her parents sing a quiet requiem to another “loan” she is conducting a mighty sob symphony on popular parasite platform GoFundMe. In an emotional plea to her followers she describes in detail how she was subjected to rude airport staff, officials doing their job and worst of all 14-day isolation on her arrival.

It’s easy to laugh but if you’ve ever been stuck in your parent’s fully stocked up granny flat with access to the pool in 30-degree weather, you’d know hardship too. She manages to raise more money than she deserves and conveniently keeps it from her genetic guarantors. This is for HER pain and suffering.

She uploaded videos of herself ruthlessly complaining about doing her bit while bravely not wearing makeup. People had to see the human cost of this enforced isolation. These Vlogs are practically the modern-day Anne Frank diary.

In addition to her who-gives-a-shit-soap opera, she decides social media needs a good dose of throwbacks from her holiday. She’s really doubling down on the smorgasbord of self-denial. She uploads a photo of herself in a bikini in front of the Krabi Islands:

“Cray to think I was here just 2 weeks ago!! So much has changed since then and I’ve learned so much about how strong I am and how nothing will stop me! Now I’m a prisoner in my own home, I don’t even have the rona!!! Steve Morrison and Matt McGowan are totally overreacting lol!!!”

She’s serving up more whoppers than the first day of 420 legalisation. Especially the shit about being a prisoner. Sure, she tells her followers that she is observing the bare minimum requirements of social responsibility but in reality, that’s a load of lies.

Further hardships strike when a member of the public decides that they’ve had enough of Celeste flaunting self-isolation requirements. So, on her way home from another day shopping and getting her hair done she receives a little visit from the police. Oh, you got snitched out Celeste.

$1000 fine for her troubles. In true form, she attempts to raise another $1000 with another sob story about her leaving the house was due to an emergency – her fur baby was dying and no vet was picking up.

Alas, like a dick scented air freshener, no one’s buying it.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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