Nicole is conflicted as to who she should listen to – pandemic experts or that little voice in her head screaming “what if my family’s arses suddenly turn into Mount Shitsuvius during a Coronavirus lockdown”?

Never one to let the burden of expert advice slow her down, she decides to join the hordes of panic buying mouth breathers and stock up. She arrives at her local Woolies and is confronted by the sight of barren shelves. She is furious and vents on Facebook:

“THIS is my local WOOLIES!!!! What if my family needs toilet paper?!?? WHY aren’t they limiting how many people can buy!!!! NOT HAPPY!”

Next stop IGA and she spots a pallet of toilet paper being wheeled out. A group of shoppers swoop on the pallet like it was a menstruating haemophiliac at a Vampire party. A young storeman is unable to fend off the vicious acrylic claws of the doomsday hell hounds.

Nicole is once again leaving with her hygienic bum tissue needs unsatisfied. She jumps on the local IGA’s page and gives them the double-barrel blast of a hysterical mummy scorned – this time with added racial overtones. Next stop Coles.

Her eyes light up like she’d acquired the last piece to her Coles Mini’s puzzle – an aisle fully stocked with the paper of life. Unfortunately, having stared into the abyss all day, the abyss has begun to stare back. She feels herself transform into a monster and packs her trolley with enough toilet paper to get through a weekend retreat catered by a Red Rooster car boot.

While she’s at it, she takes an entire shelf worth of hand sanitiser, pasta and of course long-life milk. She isn’t sure if she’s preparing for nuclear war or a bit of a nasty respiratory virus. At this stage, it doesn’t matter. She’s not being fuelled by objectivity, she’s just trying to one-up every other shopper that has suckled upon teat of mass media-fuelled terror.

She spends over $1000 today on unnecessary purchases and returns to her abode a champion. Unbeknownst to Nicole, her hubby had gone on a little raid of his own – they now have enough white roll to direct a Mummy themed scat film. Alas, where will all this toilet paper go? Profiteering of course!

For context, 2 months ago, Nicole had started a petition to ban Chinese people from her local shopping centre so baby formula stocks would remain plentiful. Now, she is posting to Facebook marketplace trying to make a few bucks off Quilton. She spices up her sales pitch with some utter shit:

“CHINA is Australia’s biggest toilet paper supplier!!! Soon we will have run out! I can help out for a small finder’s fee 😉 NOTE: WILL NOT BE SELLING TO PEOPLE SENDING BACK TO CHINA!!!! So dont ask!”

Now all she has to do is wait for that sweet price gouging money to come in. After all, the family is now broke and probably need to stock up on their kid’s asthma medication. Nailed it.