Mr Daddy’s Boat

Boat season is Oliver’s annual opportunity to boost his social ranking. As it stands, he is about as popular as the discount bin at a second-hand fleshlight sale. 

So to mask his skin-crawling reptiliantry, he commandeers his father’s brand-spankin’ Sea Ray Sundancer and cherry-picks his guest list so the party looks like a silicone-bomb went off at a silver spoon convention.

In honour of the occasion, Oliver acquires a captains hat. In his mind, he is giving off big Hugh Hefner vibes. Which would be true if Hugh had to borrow his dad’s mansion and cornerjack it while all the bunnies were having fun. 

He does the final checks on the boat while his rent-a-females are on the deck boomeranging their vodka, lime & sodas for social media. It’s a perfect mix, Oliver is deluded about owning the boat and they are deluded about being on a paid modelling shoot. Deludception. 

Oliver proudly glides the boat through the ocean like a seafaring extension of someone else’s peen. Finally anchored, Oliver struts through the party like a king while filming a mediocre party video on a GoPro that will later be shared by him and watched by no one. 

His mate, DJ iTunes drops some bangers while Oliver poses between the bikini-bums of social influencers. He instantly uploads the photo of his peachy head sandwich and captions the post atrociously, “boats & hoes bitches. How I roll 😛 😛 :P”.

A bee-sting lipped lass does the maths and realises that a summer on Oliver’s boat would do wonders for her ability to inspire on the ‘Gram. She smiles, “can you show me the captains chair, babe”. Her self-serving wink sends his fleshy outboard into overdrive. 

Sadly, the party treats he’s indulged in are hurting his chances. What can be said about Oliver’s stiffy that hasn’t already been said about a stoned Leprechaun? Short and sedentary. After 20 minutes of franger-crinkling, dick-mashing failure, Oliver is forced to abandon the S.S Intercourse. 

It’s a depressing journey home as Oliver hyper-fixates on what could’ve been. When he really should have been fixated on where he was going.

Predictably, disaster strikes as he runs afoul of some submerged rocks. He Titanics the life out of his dad’s pride and joy and sends his unsatisfied lady-friend hurtling into the control panel and making a mess of her new nose. 

Nailed it.