The West Coast Eagles Fan 2022

When times were good, Thomas bled blue & yellow like a hemophilic royal with high cholesterol. A true wait-awhile-crocodile that basked gloriously on the sunny banks of top 8 success.

Alas, in mid-2021 the storm clouds of inevitable rebuild gathered and the bitter rain of an ageing list began to erode that sunny bank. Would he stand tall or belly-slither away from the team he once loved so much?

Well, it would appear the latter, if his half-pissed weekly Facebook comments are anything to go on. This footy-reptile had his jaws well and truly locked on one man – Simmo, and he wasn’t about to cease his death-roll of vitriol. 

After the loss to the Crows, Thomas launches into one of his most impassioned anti-Simmo rants yet. Blaming the man for everything under the sun and demanding to know why his weekly list suggestions aren’t being taken seriously. 

“Simmo HAS GOTTA GO!!!! Anyone with half a BRAIN can see that… this was a powerhouse club .. now ..RUINEDby a SHIT outdated gamePLAN!!! Try LISTENING tO UR FANS U DROP KICK – nelson out!!! Witho OUT!!!!! What’s Darlings home address??!?!? I’ll Bloody have a woird with HIM if u wont u gutless wonder!!!!!!!”

It had become his weekly routine. Pop a neck vein watching the game and then spend the next 3 hours arguing with other Eagles fans about list selection. It was a very healthy, fulfilling hobby that made Thomas an absolute pleasure to be around each weekend. 

Alas, the winds of animosity and loathing were beginning to reshape a once-proud WA footy fan. A man who prided himself on not displaying any Dockerish traits such as OD’ing on schadenfreude at a rival team’s failure. 

But that’s exactly who he had become. Rewatching the Docker’s defeat against Collingwood 5 times and ramping up his “show us your silverware” campaign to near critical levels. His bitterness-reactor core was going to blow if he didn’t find a release valve soon. 

A fact proven by his latest HR complaint when he printed out “FLAGMANTLE” on dozens of A3 sheets and plastered it over a coworker’s office on Monday after the loss to the pies. He also sent them a video of him pissing into a toy trophy with “FREO’S CUP HOPES” written in Sharpie.

They were acts so unhinged it made The Shining look like a Getaway segment on a 5-star ski resort. Needless to say, Thomas’ wife went to stay with her folks and he got a week off work to sort out his issues.

While stewing in the crockpot of resentment for a few days he started feeling a bit funny. A hankering deep inside him seemed to call out for some Docker’s footy. It was a strange and undefinable feeling for him seeing as outside of a derby he had NEVER watched a full Freo game. 

He decides to put on the Dockers win over Melbourne. He tells himself he’ll be looking for material to use against Freo supporters. To prove to them that Flagmantle will only ever fly at half-mast. 

By the second half, the little dormant weagles willy he’d flopped around with all season began to stir. He was enjoying this brand of footy. Jesus Christ, what was happening to him? He was deep in the heave-ho closet. 

He even woke up this morning with a slight buzz about the Brisbane game. God, he’d become everything he swore not to be. His only recourse was pushing the feelings deep down and acting like 10 times more of a tool – his generation’s M.O.

After a lengthy morning of baiting Docker’s fans into arguments about how they won’t even make the top 8 this year. He decides to pick up some snacks for the game later today.

Sure, it may not seem normal to get asked to leave an IGA because you bailed up a 14-year-old wearing a docker’s guernsey telling him a McClelland Trophy doesn’t count as silverware – but high on fairweather rage it is. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?