The Down South Bogan

Hodgey nonchalantly shoves some clothes in a bag while his missus carefully packs for their long weekend. Hodgey slips into his Dickies’ shorts, black Ed Hardy singlet and a pair of skate shoes that are old enough to remember every one of Neil Buchanan’s masterpieces at the end of Art Attack. 

He impatiently squarks at his family to hurry up, “oi come one you lot, sooner we get there the sooner I can get pissed”. He smokes his 4th dart for the morning while sipping a can of Woodstock that he passed out before finishing last night. Finally, they are off. 

Hodgey has mixed emotions about the right lane on Forrest Highway. On one hand, he screams at any motorist that inconveniences him by sticking in it. On the other hand, he ruthlessly floors his Patrol whenever a lesser male tries to overtake him while he is sitting pretty in the left lane. 

There is only really one road law that Hodgey recognises: “get the fark outta Hodgey’s way”. His missus flashes him a warm smile while Hodgey is leaning halfway out of the driver’s window to try and get as close as possible to the naive P Plater that tried to overtake him. He gives the young driver a spray that would put Peter North to shame. 

In Hodgey’s momentary lapse of sanity, he fails to notice an oncoming speed camera. Hodgey’s perfect record of incurring a speeding fine on every single trip Douth remains intact.

It’s lunchtime and Hodgey arrives at Settler’s Tavern and immediately buys 4 Jack stubbies – 1 for the misso and 3 for him. If there is one thing that Hodgey stands against it’s lining up for the bar unnecessarily.

Predictably, he sinks his vessels like his goatee hole was the Bermuda triangle, “we’re gonna have to piss that art gallery shit off luv, these Jacks are hitting the spot”. 

The next day, Hodgey systematically drives from winery to winery to speed drink every free sample and then loudly announcing he wants to buy a crate of wine so everyone can hear.

He then tells anyone who will listen about his “electric wine storage box” that he keeps in his pool room. “Yeh, perfectly ages me wine, ay, can’t be drinking dogshit wine when you work as hard as me”.

In reality, Hodgey really doesn’t have an interest in the wineries, he is itching to get to Cheeky Monkey and talk turkey about the brewing process. Does Hodgey brew his own beer? You bet he does. Is it safe for human consumption? You bet it isn’t.

Hodgey’s kids make as much noise as possible while Hodgey and his missus flick through their iPad in search of their next Douth activity. Given the sun is shining and Hodgey has a penchant for an ice-cold beer on the beach, they head to Gnarabup Beach. 

Upon arrival, Hodgey gets into a blue with the Mr Whippy man. Firstly, because he is parked “like a dumbcunt” and secondly because he has the audacity to charge extra for a flake in his ice cream, “I’m not paying for that flake you soft serve dog”. His missus bites her lip, she is so turned on by the alpha display.

After a revitalising swim, Hodgey takes the family out for dinner at an expensive restaurant. His missus asks, “should you put shoes on luv?” Hodgey looks at her with betrayal in his eyes, “don’t try to change me, woman, ill be buying two main courses for meself so they can deal with it”.

Too right, Hodgey.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?