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Mr E-Plate

The only extraordinary aspect of Reece’s vehicular delinquency is the fact he has managed to write off every form of transport he has ever owned. After years of terrorising WA roads, he has finally landed a job that requires a car; however, his driver’s licence has been suspended until 2022.

Notwithstanding the fact he deserves a second chance like Pell deserves a popehood, he is able to apply for Western Australia’s dirty little secret: an extraordinary driver’s licence.

Reece sits outside the Perth Magistrates Court smoking from a 30 pack of Horizon darts with his tramped stamped missus who perpetually looks like she is catching a whiff of Reece’s sinister body odour. He is wearing a No Fear button up shirt that is tucked sloppily into an ill-fitting pair of his brother’s bucks night trousers.

He looks cool, calm and collected under his Holden cap and petrol station sunnies however he is suffocating under the weight of his reckless past. No E-Plate means no job, and every third child support payment isn’t going to pay itself!

His Legal Aid lawyer looks over his traffic record which makes War & Peace look like a short story. A look of shock and concern comes over the lawyers face as the list is read; 5 historic convictions for drink driving, 8 for driving while unlicensed and 3 for drug driving, not to mention the endless speeding and red light violations. Jesus.

Reece fondly regals his lawyer with his favourite conviction. The time the cops caught him smoking bongs in his car in the Armadale McDonald’s Car Park, “see when they done me, they caught me by surprise orrright, dropped me Big Mac all over me shirt right, then ya wouldn’t dream of it, but The Force tele mob was there to film it all ha ha”.

For most, the incident would’ve been a low point that would rival the Mariana Trench, however for Reece, it appeared to be the high watermark of his adventures as a cretinous bogan.

Reece’s lawyer manages to pull the wool over the Magistrate’s eyes and convince him that Reece is a changed man. The only real change is that Reece will limit his fuckwitted driving to the hours of 9 – 3 from Monday – Friday in the Perth Metro area.

Reece proudly exits the Magistrates’ Court like a buck-toothed Nelson Mandela leaving prison. He turns to his missus, “can ya believe that suit fell for it?”

Back at home, Reece walks over to his orange SS Commodore and slaps on the E-Plates. His rear windscreen sticker appears more truthful than ever, “Only God Can Judge Me”.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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