The Nissan Patrol Driver

Damo is the kind of bloke who introduces himself as “Diesel” as a part of a decade long campaign to get the self-given nickname to stick. See, it’s very important that people know that his entire concept of masculinity is tied to his beloved car – a 2003 turbo diesel Patrol. 

For a short period, he considered buying a Landcruiser but his cousin sent him a very convincing meme that depicted Landcruiser owners as Heath & Jake from Brokeback Mountain. 

He simply couldn’t risk a random motorist on the road thinking he used all his grunt for that kind of backroad track. To make sure there was no mistake, he plastered the back of his car with stickers that proved he was the king of heterosexuality. 

His favourites, of course, are “Diesel Soot Gets the Moot”, “Booby Bouncer” and one he bought on Wish that says “Landcruisers are for guys who want a Patrol but bumps hurt their vag”. These bumper stickers are more important to him than the child he sees once a year at X-Mas. 

Over the festive season break, Damo has one thing on his mind – “sending it”. However, much like an AusPost contractor, while he promises to “send it” he rarely nails the delivery. 

Just ask anyone who has gone 4WD with him and spent the next few days with a suspected case of whiplash. Or the fools that agree to go with him and spend most of their time recovering his rig from the precarious situations he finds himself in. 

This year, Damo takes his beast up to Lancelin and makes his grand entrance to the beach in typical obnoxious fashion. Music blaring, diesel soot puffing and Damo doing the V finger lick gesture to any lady lucky enough to make eye contact with him. 

When he arrives at the dunes, he and his 3 passengers are all busting for a slash. As they hop out, dozens of bush chook cans cascade out the doors and onto the sand. They proceed to drain their respective lizards in full view of other 4WD enthusiasts. This really sets the tone of the day. 

His mission is simple. Win over the hearts and minds of the local female 4WD community by conducting himself like he’s a few cylinders short of a V8. His main goal is to have his dropkick mate film him sending it over a dune and getting some air. 

After pulling off the move once he decides it’s time to go full yew. He just dreams of all the views on a video of performing the same stunt but with his drongo mates hanging off the side of the 4WD. 

One man’s “send it” video is another man’s evidence in a criminal proceeding. Nevertheless, Damo isn’t burdened with the curse of foresight.

Finally, another 4WD enthusiast in the vicinity has had enough and yells at Damo to pull his head in before he does something stupid. 

How dare this bloke speak to him like that in front of his Patrol. There is only one thing left to do and that’s to rip his Australian flag singlet off and fight the father of 3 in front of his children. In the process, he both reclaims his honour and breaks several bones in his hand. 

Another classic case of when keeping it Patrol goes wrong. Enjoy the bumpy ride home Damo. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?