John’s friends & family are shocked to see him change from a guy who won’t go to a restaurant if there isn’t a parmi on the menu to a walking blowhard giving unsolicited critiques on a range of ethnic cuisines. All after just one week of moving to East Victoria Park. Charlie sits in the cubicle next to John and says the transformation has been rapid. Telling The Times,
“A couple of months ago, I saw him put tomato sauce on a smoked salmon bagel. Now he’s all in my face telling me he likes malatang but probably is more of a hot pot man at heart, especially if its Yunnan or Sichuan but only if it’s authentic”
John’s sister has also copped the brunt of his mighty foodwank-tempest. She told us,
“He came over on Saturday night and I ordered a Pad Thai. I’d never seen such a smug sack of shit. He said in front of everyone that he reckons that’s the only Thai dish I even know about and that he won’t even go back to a Thai joint twice is the Pad Kee Mao isn’t banging”
His mate Jesse also copped a similar spray after visiting John at his East Vic Park apartment 3 days after moving in,
“Man, I thought he was going to have a brain aneurysm. He was walking around pronouncing Pho, how he thought was correct. Telling me how anyone who pronounces it like foe deserves to be executed in the street. This guy has emergency boxes of fish fingers in his freezer bro”
We spoke to John over a Filipino lunch at his request. He spent the first 35 minutes discussing the cultural influences in Filipino food and how no one in Perth knows about good Filo cuisine.
After he’d exhausted himself talking absolute shit about a cuisine he knew nothing about we asked him how he enjoyed living in East Vic Park. He told us,
“It’s like you aren’t living in Perth, a little thing called food culture, heard of it? I’m close to the city, the shops and I’m a short walk from the best authentic hummus you’ve ever had, and ah, no champ, it’s nothing like the Obela hummus you basics take to BBQs. Speaking of, do you even own a hibachi? I do now”
Christ almighty. The urge to bop someone in the snout had never been higher. It was undeniable John had become a monster.
We understand he intends to apply for the next series of Masterchef using his brief stint in East Vic Park as his backstory.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?