Mr “I’m in a Corporate Box”

For 5 years, Gregory was an office piglet, madly feasting on the scraps his power-broking bosses threw his way. A free lunch here, a golf day there, but it wasn’t enough and he was growing disillusioned with the dirty leftovers from the bottom-feeding-buffet.

That all changed last week when he finally managed to get his snout in the trough of corporate Australia – a ticket to watch the Dockers in an entry-level box.

He was going to shove this so far up people arses they would need a “tripped and fell” cover story at the emergency department to get it out. Accordingly, he tells anyone who will listen.

Of course, he conveniently leaves out how he came to possess Willy Wanker’s golden ticket. He learned the hard way that his main job as a suited-shit-eater was to make sure his boss didn’t look like a dick.

Long story short, it was Gregory who would be owning up to browsing naughty pics on his boss’ laptop and thus responsible for that filth getting the 60inch LCD treatment during a client meeting.

Hey, what’s an industry-wide reputation as an office-grub compared to a $399 ticket to pretend you were on the purple bandwagon your whole life?

Gregory knows who the real winner is – do you think a loser wears a lanyard to a football game? Forgetaboutit. He proceeds to spend half his paycheck on the finest Rodd & Gunn business casual for his big night.

He arrives and instantly hits it off with the other moussed up quiffs in his box over a fascinating discussion about RM Williams’ ownership.

They all agree, they set them back a bit, but they’ll last forever. Having bonded over the banality of affluent footwear, the lads were ready to begin their corporate box photo shoot.

Gregory misses the entire first quarter of football as he decides which photo to upload to Insta. He finally chooses one and writes a caption worthy of a Nobel prize in literary cringe,

“Oh shiiiiiieeet, ya boy has gone and done it again, ha ha, soz not soz, had to do it ya!!! Rolling with style baby #corporatebox #whynotay #whocaresiminabox #boxlife #slayingboxes #perthstadium #luxury #fullstrengthbeer #howiroll #justgettingstarted #hustle #selfmade #stayhumble #workhardplayhard”

Jesus Christ. If that wasn’t bad enough, Gregory turns his efforts into impressing the cute steward who is contractually obliged to be polite to him.

Just in case the fish of lust weren’t already gasping for water in her lady basin, Gregory decides to deplete her reserves with charming musings about how good it is to be able to *physically* look down on general admin, not just figuratively.

By the final siren, Gregory has watched about 5 minutes of football and is stumbling around the Blue & Gold Terrace trying to network. He is met with with the cold civility of the corporate clique.

As a general rule, never try to network when your Rodd & Gunns are covered in piss stains. Nor, should you try to ladder climb when you are just the bloke who treated important clients to an advance screening of Naughty Stepdads.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?