Mr Perth Dash Cam

Nobody cared who he was until he turned on the dash cam. Having never stepped a foot wrong on the road, he has vested himself with the responsibility of airing all of your vehicula vices online. You don’t hit 1 million YouTube views without making a few enemies.

He first rose to fame when he caught some footage of a peloton of cyclists rushing through a red light like they were late for their tap dancing audition at your favourite cafe. The public got around him, he was a hero. 

A few months later he cemented himself as an authority on the roads after catching Tracey Grimshaw’s dream overtaking him at dangerous speeds. The video went viral and the driver was prosecuted. He had a raging power stiffy.

On today’s patrol, Jeff makes sure to switch off his cam while he performs a cheeky illegal U-Turn that saves him a bunch time getting onto the main road – after all, the dash cam is for your vehicular foibles, not his.

Hipocritical? Well not really, because in his mind he’s basically a cop, and emergency services can cut some corners when they are performing the Lord’s work. 

15 minutes into dash cam & Snitch he gives a driver a smug look while tapping his dash cam, he mouths, “got it all on camera, buddy”. See, he had caught up to a woman who had chosen to run an amber light to avoid the awkward tango of the grubby squeegee-man. Come on Jeff, everyone’s pulled that move off. 

Satisfied at having purged another offender from Perth roads, he decides to call it a day and head in. While fumbling to turn off his dash cam so he can run a little amber of his own he almost clips a P-Plater. 

The pair start giving each other more fingers than Captain Birdseye on a plenty o fish meet up. Tension continues to escalate until the P Plater break checks Jeff which causes the distracted meathead to almost rear end him.

It’s on. Jeff continues narrating for the benefit of his audience, “do you see this? Do you see this? Totally unprovoked and bloody dangerous! People like this don’t deserve a licence!!!” 

Again, turning off his dash cam, Jeff gets out of his vehicle and does his best impression of a Silver Back losing his cool at his jungle-reception and ripping the P Plater’s antenna off his car. An act which is noticed by a nearby policeman.

He hops back in his car so he can turn on his internal cam so he can properly antagonise the police officer, “AM I UNDER ARREST OR AM I FREE TO GO????”. Turns out it’s the first option and Jeff is hauled down to the station for a little criminal damage charge.

Later that night Jeff returns home and demands satisfaction. So he uploads a heavily edited video of today’s incident, removing the “irrelevant” crash he almost caused and paints the P-Plater as an aggro vehicular stain that should be Napisan’d from the underpants of the road. 

He then cherrypicks segments of his conversation with police to make it look like he was being harassed for performing his duties as a self appointed guardian of the road.

He then spends the remainder of his afternoon reporting people’s posts for calling him out on the many, many inconsistencies in his story. What a trooper. Who needs context when you have a dash cam?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?