Butler resident Bill has expressed feelings of normal human joy this afternoon after hearing the news that Manchester United will be returning to Perth in July.
The last known recorded smile from Bill was at about 3:02am on the morning of 12 July 2021. Since the crushing defeat, Bill has reportedly been a bigger sack of shit than usual.
Bill’s wife told The Times,
“He’s barely had his appetite since July my Bill! He was only eating a full English breakfast 5 times a week! I was worried about him, almost took him to the hospital”
Not even generous lashing of Daddy’s Brown Sauce during these morning fry-ups could lift the spirits of Bill. It was fookin’ coming ‘ome ladddd, and then it wasn’t.
Bill’s English coworker told The Times,
“Ya shoulda seen the lad come bowling into the break room this morning. He had a post from Man U up on his phone. I couldn’t believe it, that crusty doom-hole he calls a mouth was slightly angled up”
To Bill’s further delight it was raining this morning when he read the news. You just couldn’t get a better British treat than that.
Bill said Man U returning to Perth meant a lot to him, adding,
“I’ve been waiting since July to ‘ave a word with Marcus ‘pretty boy’ Rashford. He hasn’t responded to any messages on social media. I just want the boy to admit he crushed mine and a nation’s dreams, the fookin overpriced kooont”
Witnesses at Bill’s workplace said that not only was ol grumplestiltskins smiling but he was chanting Man U songs and trying to stoke a rivalry with an accountant from Leeds.
It is unclear how long Bill’s sunny disposition will last but coworkers are advised to keep a wide berth just in case this unseasonable sociability continues.
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