Mr West Coast Eagles (2017)

As the final siren sounds on the Gold Coast v West Coast match, a distinctively louder, more obnoxious sound is fog-horning around the pub. Meet Rex, and that aural disharmony you are hearing is him going completely ape-shit at the screen.

You see, West Coast has once again proven that much like Oscar Pistorius, they are only deadly when they are playing at home. Rex’s Freo supporting mate begins cackling in a Dockerish manner, “suck it up princess, you’re acting like a goose, mate”.

Rex isn’t happy with that line of banter and turns on his mate like he was Daniel Kerr disputing a taxi fare and then goes at him like he was Benny C on the Clubba stairwell,

“FUCK OFF MATE, how many bloody trophies has your lot won ay? ZERO, so shove it up your arse, I’m bloody going, oh and another thing, I guess we are going to feel like you schmucks, ANOTHER TROPHY-LESS YEAR”.

He storms home and starts building on his 5-pint base intoxication. While destroying VBs, he jumps on a Big Footy forum to give his expert analysis of the Eagle’s future.

Essentially he wants half the team delisted, the coach sacked and perhaps some style of corporal punishment ordered upon Priddis’ rawhide.

He manages to channel into the communal frustration, and his armchair coaching is met with a few complimentary replies. Fuck yeh, he is an AFL strategic Titan, and his coaching brilliance will be remembered like he was Cuntzel Washington.

He informs his boy that they are going down to the park to have a kick. Little Timmy runs out with his LeCras guernsey on, “take that shit off now boy, goal-less hack is dead to this family you understand?” Oh boy, Lil Timmy doesn’t like kick to kick when Daddy is clutching his VB like that.

As soon as they hit the turf, Rex pulls out his whistle and gets Lil Timmy to simulate some hardball gets and disposals under extreme pressure. His pressure. He’s coming for you, Timmy. “Gooooo’nnnn GET IT, don’t just stand there like a Darling dodo bird, GET IIIIIITT”.

After an hour and a half, he calls off the training session. He has never felt more confident he could take Simpson’s job. Back at home, he checks on his Big Footy post to see a bunch of people telling him to shut the fuck up.

Suddenly, Rex is feeling the heat like he was the base of a crack pipe after the 2006 AFL premiership. Drunk and determined, he gets to work writing out a rambling “Make the Eagles Great Again Plan” complete with hand-drawn examples of plays and tactics.

The document is a fascinating look into the mind of someone who had a mental breakdown over a 3 point loss hours earlier. He scans and emails it to WCE despite there being so much shit on the pages that it could support a mushroom farm.

He decides to have a 3 beer nightcap and settle into bed with a cheeky 1am abusive tirade on a Fox Footy article.

Get some rest Rex.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?