Mrs Lululemon

Lululemon – for when you want to fool people into thinking your toned arse is due to fitness and not smashing your kid’s dexies like a narcoleptic being pursued by Freddy Kruger.

Dani is up at 7 am on a Sunday morning getting ready for her morning walk along Marine Parade in Cottesloe. She adorns herself in several hundreds of dollars worth of activewear and makes sure the Lululemon logos are perfectly visible.

She grabs her FitBit and then spends the next 45 minutes applying a light application of “workout” makeup. She ties her hair in the obligatory fitness ponytail and bounces out the door. 

Her neighbour, a seedy old bloke, cracks a smile which shamefully conceals the raging bonerricane blowing a mighty gust in his Gant chino shorts. He hasn’t missed the spectacle in 8 years. He lets out his catchphrase, “If I was a few years younger, Dani!”

Funnily enough, the thought of old mate mashing his mummified rod against her surgically replenished lady parts doesn’t do much for Dani. So she gives him a pity-smirk that would cut deep to his flaccid bone.

Dani then pounds the pavement while keeping her eyes fixed on her iPhone. She is trawling Instagram for a perfect motivation meme to share with her Facebook community.

Perfect, she finds a photo of a post-it note with “You can do it – note to self x”. Hold up, when did her morning walk become a fondue party? More cheese than a grubs foreskin after he belted off at the Bega factory. How about, “don’t post smug memes – note from everyone x”. Nevertheless, the usual suspects like her post.

She suddenly feels inspired by the attention and decides to do a few token chin-ups on the outdoor fitness equipment on Marine Parade. She does 6, before deciding that a delightful Cafe brekkie is up her alley.

She sits at The Blue Duck and orders some eggs. Her glorious rig is a stark contrast to the chubby lycra-clad Lawyer who is clearly sponsored by team Mid Life Crisis. He indiscreetly ogles Dani while sucking in his gut and trying to look hot while sipping his latte. Swing and a miss mate, swing and a miss.

Dani returns home and doesn’t bother changing out of her “workout” attire. It’s not like she worked up a sweat and tight leggings are the new jeans these days. It’s the perfect crime.

She heads to Claremont Quarter to do a spot of shopping. Herds of activewear babes square off with each other like a room full of coconut buttered cats.

Dani shops for throw rugs while letting her groupchat know which western burb’s personalities look like total shit in their activewear, “she should stick to Lorna Jane if shes going to look like a bag of fertiliser“. 

That’s not very Insta-positive Dani.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?