Mrs Applecross

It’s 11:30 am on a Wednesday and Claudia’s door is slightly ajar. The gentle creak from the king size bed and the luxurious ruffle of 1000 thread count sheets can be heard as Claudia giggles seductively.

She is in bed with her one true love. She bites her lip and runs her hand up her lover and flicks its top off, “I want you inside me” she whispers to the Xan bottle. Love is love, who are you to judge?

She necks a couple of pills and slips into a flowing summer dress. Her children are presumably within the safe boundaries of Wesley College, and her husband is still stuck in Dubai. She’s got a fever, and the only prescription is The Raffles.

Claudia jumps in her Porsche Cayenne and drives a few streets over to pick up her cougarlicious best friend, Samantha. She arrives at her door, and Samantha is berating a tradie for getting her welcome mat filthy. “Sorry dahhhhling, I’ll be a minute”, she says as she slides Claudia a glass of Grey Goose.

Claudia guzzles the vodka while texting a couple of fat property developers that love buying her drinks. “Just sorting out our tab Samantha, take your time dahhhhling”. Finally, Samantha is finished admonishing the blue collared pleb and is ready to roll.

The pair sits at the main bar of the raffles and drink Gin & Tonics. The Iain Hewitson-looking property developers have not arrived, so they start flirting with a couple of topknots who look like they took 8 years to finish a Notre Dame Sports Science degree.

These clap-soaked ken dolls aren’t in with a chance, they are just being used by Claudia to gauge how far along the lamb-mutton spectrum she is looking today.

By mid-afternoon, the pair are drunk and are now loudly cackling like Fran Drescher on mushrooms. They smoke slims while laughing at a group of trust-fund babies trying to attract their attention by positioning their basic-model Swiss watches into their peripheral.

The desperate fishing expedition is a waste of time as Claudia will happily chat to anyone who brings her another vodka. Nevertheless, certain responsibilities come with a $1.2K watch and a BMW 3 series. Peacock ‘till ya drop.

After several more vodkas, Claudia decides to cut the session short. She wants to grab a few hours of snooze before her children come home and she has to pretend to care about how their tennis training went.

A short drink-drive later and Claudia is happily passed out on her bed while spooning her Xan bottle, “I am going to ravish you when I wake up”.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?