Melbourne Cup

For Rybekkah, cup day is a chance to dress like a penicillin princess in the hope her Prince Charmo will present her with a glass to wrap across the face of that security guard who took her vodka.

Her bright pink dress is a bold look and having just come off a botched lip job in Bali, Rybekkah is looking like a prolapsed arsehole that got into the Supre discount rack.

With each new bottle of bubbly, a new chapter of her loose behaviour unfolds. After bottle 1 she indulges in some light-hearted photobombing by bending over and exposing her undies. A sight normally reserved for lust-seeking lotharios in the toilets of Liquids nightclub.

After bottle 2 she is becoming unsteady on her feet. She snorts out a mighty cackle every time she almost takes a tumble like a high heeled hyena that had got into the fermented wild berries.

After 3 bottles of bubbly and some punting, Rybekkah is fresh out of money. She knows that to continue her fun, she will need to sink to the Mariana Trench of booze-haggery.

She spots a bogan making it rain $5 notes after a moderately large win. Lucky for her, his fly is already undone, and she stumbles over to cheekily insinuate she will “help him” for a bottle of bubbly, “they don’t wanna ban the whip in my bedroom, daddy”. Oh boy, he’s in love and he sure as hell doesn’t need a dead horse to make a sticky substance after the race.

She smashes a fourth bottle with her new lover and realises nature is calling. She notices the line to the female toilet is hectic whereas the line to the males looks like the Dreamworld queue in comparison.

She storms the males like a toey Goerge Michael but notices the room has become a urine-soaked version of Kalamunda Wet & Wild. She is running out of options, and like R Kelly she is about to piss on something that isn’t a toilet.

She heads towards a relatively small line for a tree next to a marquee. Unfortunately, a police officer spots her and decides she’s had enough fun for the day. Rybekkah politely protests by swinging a stiletto at the police officer’s face. A good ol fashioned Hamilton Heel hoofing for the cop.

On the bright side, she avoids having to cop an Uber surcharge. On the not so bright side, she has a date with the Magistrate on Wednesday morning.

Swings and roundabouts when you really don’t give a fark though.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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