Jimmy could really feel the love after being reminded that it’s office tradition for employees to bring in their own cake should they wish to celebrate their birthday.
In a very stern chat the previous day, the HR manager told Jimmy that while it wasn’t strictly compulsory, bringing in a cake to celebrate your own birthday created an atmosphere of “fun” and on the balance “boosted morale”.
Tania from HR was even so good to tell Jimmy he could bring any cake he wanted but would bear the full cost of the item and be obligated to remove or safely store any excess cake in the event of leftovers.
Jimmy could barely sleep that night thinking about all the fun he would have adhering to his office’s cultural expectations. So in the morning he went to Coles and picked up the cheapest cake he could find.
Jimmy knew he had a hard act to follow, after office brown noser, Tim, brought in a full-sized Cheesecake Shop Belgian Double choc Mudcake. $40.95 worth of pure, sugary suckholery. It was a precedent Jimmy wasn’t prepared to follow.
Anyway, real ones know that the Coles’ mud cake is pretty good. Lacks the X-Factor but hits different when paired with a Nespresso pod coffee that you’re expected to offer a gold coin donation for each month.
We spoke to Jimmy about the minutes preceding the email going out that Jimmy was celebrating his birthday today and everyone would be allowed a 15-minute recreation break for morning tea.
“Yeah, I could tell not everyone was happy about me cheaping out on the cake. There were about 25 soulless gluttons amassing in the kitchenette. Their beedy, dead eyes staring at the cake, doing the mental maths on how little a slice they’d get”
After a rendition of happy birthday that would make Nick Cave sound gleeful, Jimmy got to work trying to slice the cake up thin enough so everyone could enjoy some of the supermarket delicacy.
In the glacial 15 minutes, not one person asked Jimmy how old he was or what he was doing to celebrate his birthday. In contrast, he heard several murmurs of discontent at the serving each person was getting.
He told us,
“Seeing those bloated office manatee’s scowl was the best birthday present I think I could’ve got for myself. They hate me and I hate them. Buying your own cake for your birthday… what kinda bullshit is that?”
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?