Optus has silenced its critics today by announcing a compensation package that will reassure its customers that they are a competent and cutting edge telecommunications company.
Affected customers will receive both a crazy frog ringtone and a novelty voicemail message for their phone. A spokesperson told The Times,
“We are excited to offer our customers the very latest in mobile phone fun. These are as fresh as they come and we think you’ll sound pretty cool blasting this ringtone around. It could even start a fad”
We spoke to an Optus customer who said their business suffered horribly when the EFTPOS went offline. They told The Times,
“I’m a few hundred out of pocket for sure but at least I got this voicemail message that leads you on and makes you think I’m actually there. It’s like hey…how are you?….You there?… Ahhhh I even had to set up a voicemail to actually use it!”
Another affected customer was unable similarly suffered financial loss and had to spend an afternoon frantically searching for her child after they were late to return from school. She told The Times,
“A ring dingdingdingding, so cute! It’s good to know that Optus are well and truly living in 2023 and understand our needs and the demands of the telecommunications market. OMG, he’s riding a motorbike”
An Optus spokesperson told The Times that they decided against offering something customers would want because they wanted to flex their innovative muscle, adding,
“We believe you could never compensate financial loss. All our shareholders agree that instead of giving you plebs a juicy cash offer that we should give you the gift of laughter and up to the minute mobile phone audio files”
Thanks Floptus. Very generous.
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