A few months ago, Bradley had a spacious, minimalistic living room that was ideal for watching sport, having a beer, and avoiding a face full of little flying fucken insects while snacking on some Burger Rings.
That’s until his partner, Cindy, moved in and decided to go absolutely mental at Bunnings as well as rehoming her own rainforest from her old sharehouse. Cindy shares the potted plant purgatory but hasn’t physically seen Bradley for some weeks.
A mutual friend of the couple told The Bell Tower Times,
“Cindy just kept saying she was making the space better. It was sick at first, how good are a coupla of strategic Monsteras around the house? Get around em but yeah, things soon got out of hand, ay”
Another friend told us,
“Yeah, the first inclination I got that we were gonna lose our mate to the abyss of the jungle was when I couldn’t see the footy because there was a huge Bird of Paradise plant blocking it. Every time I’d get up to grab a beer some fkn fern would brush my cheek, it was getting gnar in there”
According to a series of Instagram posts, we can ascertain that Cindy had no idea of the danger she was putting her partner in. Each week, there were updated photos of the growing situation inside the living room.
On 1st January she posted a photo with macrame bound hanging pots, with the caption,
“Running out of floor space hehe, need to start hanging them now. Very happy plant mum 😛 😛 😛 and plant dad goes alright 😉 ;)”
We understand that this was the last photo of Bradley seen free from the ever-encroaching triffid-esque nightmare he was finding himself in.
Aware of the situation, how mates are pretty reluctant to step up and roll the dice to free him. With Troy telling us,
“I just can’t risk getting stuck at Brad’s house man, the fkn little flying things man, you don’t understand how bad they are, drive me nuts. Anyway, he’s whipped as hell, he was dead to us a long time ago anyway. Cancelling golf to go to flower shows, gtfo of here”
If you or anyone you know is slowly being reclaimed by the photosynthesising rawness of nature, then we ask that you reach out before you find yourself needing a 5 or an 8.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
