Police investigate reports the Philippines’ goal was peppered with shots this arvo

The Western Australian Police Force has launched an investigation into confirmed reports that the Philippines’ women’s soccer team’s goal was peppered with shots this afternoon. Some calling it a massacre.

In the Matilda’s 8-0 win over the Philippines, there was 23 shots at goal. 8 obviously fatally hitting their target. A spokesperson for the WA Police told The Times,

“We take any reports like this seriously. At first, we thought this was some kind of drive-by. Perhaps over some hip hop beef but after attending the scene we realised the intended target was the net of the Philippines’ goal”

Sam Kerr and Caitlin Foord have been taken into questioning after eye witnesses have them hitting the target 3 times each. An absolutely lethal accuracy.

We understand Wheeler & Fowler have also been taken into custody but are believed to be less criminally culpable for the slaughter than their team mates.

A spokesperson for the Matildas told The Times that they are cooperating with police but refused to comment on the alleged offences. Adding,

“No doubt the WA Government is going to call for Kerr and Foord’s legs to fall under an amnesty. At the very least stricter licensing surrounding when and where they can be used. We don’t wish to comment any further”

WA Filipinos and Filipinas are understandably shaken by the incident. With many cursing the Matilda’s in Tagalog. However, even if we can’t understand the words we understand that the sentiment is rather anti-Australian at the moment.

We spoke to a Filipina in attendance she told The Times,


We thought it was probably wise to cut the interview there.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?