South Freo Evacuated After Normal Milk Detected In Blow-In’s Coffee 

Police have launched a massive operation in South Freo this afternoon after a concerned member of the public witnessed a blow-in from Bicton consuming a coffee containing regular cow milk.

Cow milk is known as a forbidden elixir in the upmarket faux-hippie community and the mere presence of it could trigger a bunch of made up milk-allergies. Therefore, emergency services were taking no chances.

We spoke to Joy who tipped authorities off to the contamination. Understandably shocked, she told The Times,

“I was walking behind these two ladies and I overheard one say that she wasn’t into all that oat milk rubbish and then confessed to smuggling COW MILK into our beautiful suburb”

Joy instantly called the authorities and reported what she overheard. She continued, 

“It was highly alarming. I developed allergies to dairy, gluten, and non fair trade products when I moved into South Fremantle 4 years ago. If I even smelled that flat white I would’ve needed an emergency water purifying appointment with my holistic health specialist”

A spokesperson for the WA Police told The Times that this was almost as bad as the time a regular, gluten-laden ham sandwich on white bread was detected in a toddler’s backpack last summer. Adding,

“The mere sight of that sandwich caused half the population to have imaginary stomach cramps. Sadly, we didn’t act fast enough and the attention-seeking in South Freo reached critical levels. We vowed to never let that happen again”

The woman at the heart of this scare has been cautioned by police and told if she wants to visit South Freo again she’d better adhere to community values. She told The Times,

“I can’t believe I almost contaminated South Freo. Next time I’ll be up at dawn milking my almonds so I don’t cause any imaginary anaphylactic shocks. I ask for forgiveness during this dark time for me and my family”

Praying everyone is ok.

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