Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t hard work that gets you ahead, it is merely the appearance of working hard that separates the manager-wheat from the pleb-chaff.
Pretending to be busy is the most nuanced form of job dodging in the game. A master of the technique can hide their disgusting work ethic in plain sight.
Pretending to be busy is for the lazy sack of shit that also has ambition. While this seems paradoxical, one must only look at the senior management of their current workplace to see this confusing yin & yang in motion.
See, pretending to be busy not only deflects pesky additional work coming your way but if done well, you’ll eventually develop an extremely unearned reputation as a hard worker.
Practitioners of this art have a few key strategies that you’ll need to dedicate countless hours to if you want to ride this gravy train to promotion city.
Firstly, keeping your desk nice and cluttered is essential. There is nothing more suspicious to upper management than a clear desk. Other props include post-it notes with URGENT written on them stuck to your monitor and highly visible to-do lists written in liquid bullshit.
Secondly, one must maintain a state of peak frustration. If you’re not as stressed as a colourblind bomb technician then no one is going to buy what you’re selling. Keep a constant scowl on your face to match.
Thirdly, you must convince people that you are not only working hard but you are doing so under great adversity. A nice chronic back condition seems to be the go-to play for admin ladies. However, it doesn’t matter, what matters is your perceived heroism.
Fourthly, you must always be sowing seeds in your massive paddock of lies. Never give up an opportunity to let another human being know that you are “so busy”. Did they ask? No. Do they care? Heavens no but a lie repeated enough is as good as truth.
Finally, there are advanced tricks. Never underestimate the goodwill of firing off emails to important players in your company at either 5 am or 10 pm. Similarly, leaving evidence that you came in on the weekend (for 5minutes on your way to getting pissed) is a real power play.
If you’re a real psychopath you can up the ante up constantly complaining about other employees slacking off to further pull off the grand ruse.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
