Ms “I’m Quitting Social Media”

When it comes to social media, Mersaydes always packs in more drama than a box set of Law & Order: SVU. Infuriated that her cryptic statuses weren’t garnering the attention she so badly yearned for she decided to announce a cull. On the first of June the great purge of no-one-gives-a-fucktopia was commenced:

“Deciding to DELETE the TOXIC people from my lyfe, if you SURIVE teh CULL then well done, as 4 the rest of ya, to bad tooo sad lol” *insert string of shitmunching emojis*.

Like a man with an ever-softening erection, you can imagine the relief everyone felt by managing to remain in her tight circle.

Next on her hit list was a local community Facebook page that “talked shit” about her:

“This group used to be gud but now its jus full of bitches talkin shit, ha ha ha, enjoi ur pathatic lives, im out, cya!” *shit-munchingnesss of emojis intensifies*.

Christ Mersaydes, you’re not a train platform, people can do without the announcements. It felt good, but she needed more.

She needed a hit that would last ages, so she decides to inject her social media with a big hit of Crystal Methamcuntamine, and announces she is quitting the platform forever:

“Just letten yous all know that I will be deleting my FB account this arvteroon and you can reach me in PERSON or the phone, so sick of Crackbook try REAL communicashun people lol, all plugged into your phones talkin shit l8r”

She includes a picture of a Minion giving the middle finger and deletes her account. God, she believed she was better than everyone else as she rode into the real world on a horse higher than Waleed Aly’s private stallion after it got into the Vet’s ket.

Days go past, and she monitors all her old social media hangouts with an account she had set up for her fur baby a year ago. She notices that no one is talking shit about her, she has become as irrelevant as the Socceroos potential impact on the World Cup.

So after a month, she starts up a new account. Complete with an announcement about the conditions on her return and how you will be blocked without notice if you can’t handle her at her worst.

Just relax Mersaydes.