The Instagram BF

Being a bf means different things to different people, To Luke, a bf is someone who spends his days taking photos of his influencer partner’s hind parts and then gasps in a state of emotional dehydration as she satisfies the thirst of her followers first. 

Fortunately, nature took pity on Luke and over time he evolved a thick exoskeleton of self-denial in place of a traditional human spine. He now scurries along the rock bottom of relationships like the cuckolded crab that he is.

On the plus side, Luke doesn’t have to work full time anymore. His gf thought his career was getting in the way of her ambition and convinced him to work part-time at a Cafe so he could focus on her “brand”. He even gets a shiny pineapple every week for his troubles. Checkmate, other dickworms. 

Ignore the haters, because today is his anniversary and you know what that means, he gets his annual photo with his own gf posted on her Instagram. Traditionally, he would get a couples selfie with a loving caption about him being her King. He lives for his annual recognition post. 

Alas, his gf traditionally dreaded this day because their couples photo rakes in fuck-all likes and his overeager face destroys her page’s aesthetics. On the plus size, it would stem the flow of pathetic sulking from his beta-hole for a few weeks, but it damaged her “B R A N D”.

Never fear, thanks to the Instagram Story feature, the disgusting sight of her commitment will fade in 24 hours like it was a set of curtains during a Western Australia daylight saving trial.

See, it’s not all doom & gloom, he gets to be king for a day on yet another #staycation he can’t afford. This anniversary, he will be taking her to Crown Towers and treating her to Nobu – and oh boy does he know how to satisfy a woman – standing atop a chair to capture every minute of her dining experience.

Each bite of the $200 dinner he is forking out for is as cold as an Eskimos spoof-sock. Not to fear, surely things will heat up back in the hotel room, right? Well no, she didn’t spend all this money on her hair for it to be ruined by his urges.

By the time he has finished taking photos of their rose & present covered hotel room she is tired and tells Luke that she needs to get her beauty rest for tomorrow’s poolside breakfast shoot.

No stranger to the weighty burden of rejection, Luke slinks away to the bathroom and plays a lonely melody on the pork recorder with a backing track of quiet sobbing. 

It’s only sad if you think about it too much.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?